Best Jokes (continues)

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None.   The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

(Thanks to Stewart Copeland)

How many Trump assistants does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to replace the bulb and a second to call the New York Times and blame Obama for using an energy-efficient bulb.

rodwsmith posted:

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dejav

Dejav who?

Knock knock

My wife said ' pass the lip balm' I accidentally passed her superglue.... That was a week ago, she's still not speaking to me now

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?        Philip Glass.

TOBYJUG posted:

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?        Philip Glass.

Or Mary Hopkin?

TOBYJUG posted:

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?        Philip Glass.

Brilliant!

VladtheImpala posted:

TOBYJUG posted:

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?        Philip Glass.

Or Mary Hopkin?

TOBYJUG posted:

VladtheImpala posted:

TOBYJUG posted:

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?

Knock Knock.

Who's there ?        Philip Glass.

Or Mary Hopkin?

Imposter! I'm spinning in my coffin..................

I'm not always sarcastic, sometimes I'm sleeping.... 

tonym posted:

If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults.

Once married, men know that they are always at fault.

If a man is alone in the middle of a forest where no-one can hear him and says something - is he still wrong?

Beachcomber posted:

Once married, men know that they are always at fault.

If a man is alone in the middle of a forest where no-one can hear him and says something - is he still wrong?

 

Yup.

steve

WHO murdered Snap, Crackle and Pop?

A cereal killer.

Beachcomber posted:

Once married, men know that they are always at fault.

If a man is alone in the middle of a forest where no-one can hear him and says something - is he still wrong?

 

I said to me wife the other day; "You know, in your eyes, I'm never right about anything". She said "That's not true".

My wife & I never disagree on anything; I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Tony Lockhart posted:

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Nice to see you posting in this thread again, Tony. Keep it up please.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate lost both his legs and his voice in a bad accident, but do you see him making a song and dance about it?

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million.
When I looked through her text messages,
I had to admit she was right.

Earlier this summer I was chatting to a neighbour and fellow gardener whilst enjoying a cup of tea. He asked if he should be putting manure on his strawberries at this time of year? I replied that it might well  be fine however we still prefer to pour a little cream over them.

I went out and had ten pints of yogurt last night.

I was well Mullered.