Best Jokes (continues)

Beachcomber posted:

Once married, men know that they are always at fault.

If a man is alone in the middle of a forest where no-one can hear him and says something - is he still wrong?

 

I said to me wife the other day; "You know, in your eyes, I'm never right about anything". She said "That's not true".

My wife & I never disagree on anything; I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Tony Lockhart posted:

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Nice to see you posting in this thread again, Tony. Keep it up please.

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate lost both his legs and his voice in a bad accident, but do you see him making a song and dance about it?

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million.
When I looked through her text messages,
I had to admit she was right.

Earlier this summer I was chatting to a neighbour and fellow gardener whilst enjoying a cup of tea. He asked if he should be putting manure on his strawberries at this time of year? I replied that it might well  be fine however we still prefer to pour a little cream over them.

I went out and had ten pints of yogurt last night.

I was well Mullered.  

Chinese reversing sensors - 

Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.

Tony Lockhart posted:

Whilst cooking today I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes.
I’m now parsley sighted.

Poly-tunnel vision?

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

My hair left me for anothet man.

What is the best way to forget about indigestion?  

Take Milk of Amnesia. 

From I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue just now:

A song title that reflects a man's dissatisfaction with his satellite TV reception after his wife has left him....     No Woman, no Sky

Lazy People Fact #5626728943

You were too lazy to read that number.

Tony Lockhart posted:

Lazy People Fact #5626728943

 

 

 

You were too lazy to read that number.

You are quite right, I didn’t read the number, but by the time I’d read that raf, my brain had already worked out that it was information I didn’t need. 

"Hello everyone, and welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight."

And please, remember, it's a joke. It doesn't require pedantic dissection. Just let it go. 

A circus owner runs an ad for 'lion tamer wanted' and two people showed up.

 

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous

brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

 

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

 

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

 

She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

 

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes. He then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

 

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

 

The old golfer replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

Tony Lockhart posted:

"Hello everyone, and welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight." 

"Welcome to the Botox Convention. I see lots of smiling faces out there."

Mabel and Edna, two senior widows are talking. 

Mabel: " That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you before I gave him an answer". 

Edna: ''Well I'll tell you, he turns up at my apartment neatly dressed, like a gentleman, in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me down to where there's a huge limousine, uniformed chauffeur as well. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner, lobster champagne, dessert and after dinner drinks. Then we go to see a show. Let me tell you Mabel I enjoyed it so much I could have died from pleasure. So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal, completely crazy, he tears off my new dress and has his way with me three times''.

 Mabel: ''Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go" 

Edna: ''No, No, No. I'm just saying wear an old dress''.

Talking of old age: 

Three old guys out walking.   One says, 'Windy, isn't it?'   Second one says, 'I thought it was Thursday!',  Third one says, 'So am I,  let's go to the pub'

You know you're getting old when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

You know you're getting old when you forget to zip up and/or to zip down.