Best Jokes (continues)

Good xmas deed done this afternoon at the Co-op check out. 

I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Gran. 

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

steve

Farted on the bus and four people turned around, felt like I was on "The Voice".

There's a yellow snow warning out today. So don't eat any!

My wife say that I have only two faults: I don't listen and some other shit she was rattling on about......

and I liked this from HIGNFY: Russians banned from representing their country at the Winter Olympics although they'll still be allowed to participate in the next US elections!  

WHAT do you call a woman with a foot on either side of a ditch?

Bridget.

Just made a frozen sculpture in the garden.

It looks quite good, icy pose.

Q. How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?

A. Deep pan. Crisp and even.

People say I'm self-obsessed!

But enough about them...

A friend of mine, who runs a hair salon in Liverpool, was very excited yesterday as she - a girl from the Red side of the city - got to cut the manager's hair. I suppose as a Liverpool fan, she was honoured to clip Klopp.

I'll get me coat.

For Kevin-W

I got the idea from seeing a T shirt with the phrase partially obscured...

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.

Fortunately, none of them can read a map. 

Tony Lockhart posted:

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.

Fortunately, none of them can read a map. 

I shouldn’t but... ROFL!

Great to see Mary on keyboard and Joseph on vocals, on this years Christmas stamp.

What is a mouse's favourite food at Christmas?   

Baby cheeses.

TOBYJUG posted:

Great to see Mary on keyboard and Joseph on vocals, on this years Christmas stamp.

Brilliant! 

Made I larf .

Jonn posted:

What is a mouse's favourite food at Christmas?   

Baby cheeses.

A cracker! (I presume).

G

Jokes about sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar

Demerara.

The grand-kids are round for Christmas. They keep laughing at my Altziemers. They won't be laughing on Christmas Day when I don't leave any chocolate eggs under the bonfire.

Top website this Christmas:

ComeBurnTheMeerkat.com

My wife was given a vibrator for Christmas. She started waving it about screaming "I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in. 

Police raided Kermit's lily pad earlier today and found hundreds of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.

The officer in charge of the investigation said it was the worst case of frog's porn he'd ever seen.

I suppose the reason Eskimos have so many words for snow is that otherwise, “I Spy” would be sh*t.

WHAT do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

 A chicken.