Best Jokes (continues)

steve

I went to the gym and found a hole in my trainer big enough to put two fingers in. I'm in court next week.

I know of three good Motown groups, maybe 4 Tops.

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"

steve

I’m just back from Maplins. Unable to locate ferrite clamps in the shop I asked a shop assistant if they sold them. She proceeded to look up their website on her phone before stating that ‘no, we don’t sell them’. ‘Are you sure?. I’ve bought some here before’ I proffered.

That’s  ‘f...e...r...r...e...t’ ? she asked.

Seriously.

G

A man and his pet ferret walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my ferret." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the ferret falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a ferret." 

http://newsthump.com/2018/01/1...bails-out-marillion/

Apologies for linking a joke, but it seemed appropriate for the forum.

A woman died today of scalding. It is believed she had an obsession with taking photos of herself next to a boiling kettle.

She almost certainly had selfie steam issues.

Kevin-W posted:

I was watching Rachel Riley doing the letters on Countdown this afternoon and I got aroused.

I was really pleased - that's seven letters!

I was very sad when Richard Whiteley died of pneumonia, but, professional to the end, it's 9 letters including all 5 vowels. Respect!

Husband says to his wife, “We should wash your pants in Slim Fast”.
His wife asks why.
He says, “It might make your big fat arse shrink”.
The following day he is putting his underpants on and they are full of powder.
He says to his wife,”Thanks for putting talc in my pants”.
The wife replies, “No you pillock it's, Miracle Grow!!”

Two friends go shooting for a couple of hours.
On the way back to the house, the first chap is looking through his telescopic sight, and says to his mate, “Blimey, I can see your house, and there's a man with your wife in the bedroom”. His mate says, “No sweat, shoot my wife in the head, and shoot the man in his private parts”.
His mate says, “No problem, I can do it with one shot!!”.

50 Grayish Shades .... ! Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . . In and out . . . . in and out . . . . A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . . She could feel the sweat on her forehead between her breasts and, trickling down the small of her back . . . . She was getting close to the end . . . . !! He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . forwards then backwards . . . . Forward then backward . . . . Again . . . . and, again . . . . !! Her heart was pounding now . . . . Her face was flushed . . . . She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . . Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . . She shouted . . . . : "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . . You do it . . . . !"

My new Thai girlfriend says that a small penis shouldn't be an issue in a strong and loving relationship. Which I suppose is true. But I still wish she didn't have one.

A bloke bumped in to me the other day and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said: "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked, and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

"Yes," I said, "he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

INVENTOR OF GLUE - I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM - Dude...is everything okay at home?

'I'd never heard of Carillion til last week. I thought it was Marillion. I thought it's no wonder they've gone bust, they haven't had a hit for years'.

From the News Quiz, just now.

Christopher_M posted:

'I'd never heard of Carillion til last week. I thought it was Marillion. I thought it's no wonder they've gone bust, they haven't had a hit for years'.

From the News Quiz, just now.

 

Or the variant ‘They were never the same after Fish left’.

G

Seen written on a wall this morning.

 "Words cannot describe your beauty. However numbers can,  6/10"

Dr, I think I'm going deaf.

what are the symptoms?

They are a little yellow family, but what has that got to do with my condition ?

Two deaf people just got married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night when they turn off the lights as they can not see each other using sign language.

After several nights fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.  " Honey"  she signs  " Why don't we agree on some simple signals ? For instance if at night you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and  pull my penis one hundred times."

TOBYJUG posted:

Two deaf people just got married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night when they turn off the lights as they can not see each other using sign language.

After several nights fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.  " Honey"  she signs  " Why don't we agree on some simple signals ? For instance if at night you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and  pull my penis one hundred times."

I nearly fell of the sofa with that one.

steve

My girlfriend sent me a ‘Get Better Soon’ card.

I’m not ill, I’m just a crap shag.