Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
'I'd never heard of Carillion til last week. I thought it was Marillion. I thought it's no wonder they've gone bust, they haven't had a hit for years'.
From the News Quiz, just now.
Christopher_M posted:'I'd never heard of Carillion til last week. I thought it was Marillion. I thought it's no wonder they've gone bust, they haven't had a hit for years'.
From the News Quiz, just now.
Or the variant ‘They were never the same after Fish left’.
G
Seen written on a wall this morning.
"Words cannot describe your beauty. However numbers can, 6/10"
"The other day, my son was eating a red lolly when he was run over by a yellow lorry.
I have a Jonathon Ross-style speech impediment, and the coroner was Chinese.
What a carry-on that was!"
(From Viz Letterbox).
Dr, I think I'm going deaf.
what are the symptoms?
They are a little yellow family, but what has that got to do with my condition ?
Two deaf people just got married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night when they turn off the lights as they can not see each other using sign language.
After several nights fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. " Honey" she signs " Why don't we agree on some simple signals ? For instance if at night you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis one hundred times."
TOBYJUG posted:Two deaf people just got married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom at night when they turn off the lights as they can not see each other using sign language.
After several nights fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. " Honey" she signs " Why don't we agree on some simple signals ? For instance if at night you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis one hundred times."
I nearly fell of the sofa with that one.
steve
My girlfriend sent me a ‘Get Better Soon’ card.
I’m not ill, I’m just a crap shag.
Depressing to be a dick. Your hair is always messy. Your closest family is nuts. Your nearest neighbor is an arsehole. Your best friend is a pussy. Your owner constantly beats you.
Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.
She’s very tidy downstairs though.
You're back on form, Tony. 
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One's a marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.
My first post.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FALLING DOWN STAIRS:
Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 4.
Step 7.
Step 10.
Just convinced the old Mrs that having her birthday is a good thing.
Telling her that scientific experts say they are actually beneficial to health.
proving that the more you have, the longer you live.
A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs.
I've been his customer for years.
Didn't even know he was a barber...
Elvis Presley drags himself out of his pool for the 15th time. Priscilla says, 'What's up honey?'
Elvis replies: 'I can't help falling in, love'.
Possibly done before, but it tickled me and is only a day late
Prince Big Ears is making a hospital visit in Scotland and goes into a ward and asks the patients how they are.
The first one replies -
Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
He walks away a bit puzzled, goes to the next bed and the patient says
Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.
He moves on to the third patient who says,
Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!
Prince Charles turns to the doctor who’s showing him round and asks if this is the psychiatric ward?
The doctor says "Oh no, it’s not the psychiatric ward, it’s the Serious Burns unit"
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a potato?
You wouldn’t pay to have a potato on you.
Isn’t it weird how you see so many more guys dating guys, and girls dating girls.
I’m just sitting here watching the world go bi.
My girlfriend left me because I don’t take anything seriously.
ROTFLMFAO!
One day a bunch of terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players who were on their way to a banjo convention.
The terrorists told authorities that unless their demands were met they would start releasing the banjo players, one at a time.
steve
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Someone who can throw a banjo down a well without it touching the sides.
I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there.
He said he can't complain.