Best Jokes (continues)

Depressing to be a dick. Your hair is always messy. Your closest family is nuts. Your nearest neighbor is an arsehole. Your best friend is a pussy. Your owner constantly beats you.

Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.

She’s very tidy downstairs though.

You're back on form, Tony.  

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's a marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.

My first post.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FALLING DOWN STAIRS:

Step 1.

Step 2.

Step 4.

Step 7.

Step 10.

Just convinced the old Mrs that having her birthday is a good thing.

Telling her that scientific experts say they are actually beneficial to health.

proving that the more you have, the longer you live.

A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs.

I've been his customer for years.

Didn't even know he was a barber...

Elvis Presley drags himself out of his pool for the 15th time. Priscilla says, 'What's up honey?'

Elvis replies: 'I can't help falling in, love'.

Possibly done before, but it tickled me and is only a day late

Prince Big Ears is making a hospital visit in Scotland and goes into a ward and asks the patients how they are.

The first one replies -

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

He walks away a bit puzzled, goes to the next bed and the patient says

Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

He moves on to the third patient who says,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!

Prince Charles turns to the doctor who’s showing him round and asks if this is the psychiatric ward?

The doctor says "Oh no, it’s not the psychiatric ward, it’s the Serious Burns unit"

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a potato?

You wouldn’t pay to have a potato on you.

Isn’t it weird how you see so many more guys dating guys, and girls dating girls.

I’m just sitting here watching the world go bi.

My girlfriend left me because I don’t take anything seriously.

ROTFLMFAO!

One day a bunch of terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players who were on their way to a banjo convention.

The terrorists told authorities that unless their demands were met they would start releasing the banjo players, one at a time.

steve

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Someone who can throw a banjo down a well without it touching the sides.

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there.

He said he can't complain.

I've just hired a sexy F1 grid girl that was looking for work to babysit my kids.

Now...

Can I borrow someone's kids?

I've just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book!

Not only is it embarrassing, it has cost me a fortune in stamps.

Just bought some Viagra tea bags.

They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.

I feel I'm finally making big strides with my therapist. 

It's been only five years since we agreed I have trouble letting go of the past.

Tony Lockhart posted:

Just bought some Viagra tea bags.

They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.

I tried them ended up with a stiff neck ??

What do you call an Aardvark with only 3 feet?

A Yardvark.