Best Jokes (continues)

tonym posted:

What do you call an Aardvark with only 3 feet?

Well hung?

"We never had a TV in the family when I was younger." said my grandad.

"Well you have now."
I said as I adjusted my dress.

Wife said "What are you looking up on the internet?"

"Cheap flights." I said.

"Oh can I look as well?" she asked.

Which is odd, because she doesn't even like darts.  

Two mathematicians meet to discuss the troubled relationship each is having with their significant other.

The first mathematician says "Mine is like pi and the square root of negative one"

"Ah, I see!" says the second mathematician. "Both irrational and imaginary."

"Doctor, I've just hurt my penis in a surfing accident".

Doc - "What happened, did you fall off your board?"

"No, I closed my laptop too quickly when the wife walked in".

What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

They vote.

R.I.P.    H from Steps

tonym posted:

What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

They vote.

Benny Hill would be pleased with that one, Tony.

I ate at a fetish restaurant last night.

Toed in the hole.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

steve

HOW do you make a cheese puff?

Chase it around the block.

Broken Hill, Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humanity. Forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today...

Dear Broken Hill High School,

God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing Home for the Aged. All my family has passed away so I'm all alone.

I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to **** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna

Patient to analyst, "I feel like such a failure!"
Analyst to patient, "Trust me, if you can afford my fee you're far from a failure".
"Let's book you for next Wednesday at 10 AM to delve into what's really troubling you".

steve

Paper Plane posted:

steve

MDS posted:

Paper Plane posted:

steve

1st & 3rd Class it will be too 

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

tonym posted:

Ooooh. Wicked!

That's what I call justice. Now Barry Bennell is scared to go in the showers.