Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
A. Aye Matey.
steve
Paper Plane posted:
steve
MDS posted:Paper Plane posted:
steve
1st & 3rd Class it will be too
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
tonym posted:
Ooooh. Wicked!
That's what I call justice. Now Barry Bennell is scared to go in the showers.
Has me wondering how many showers Larry Nassar has in his future?
Soap on a rope no saving grace.
steve
What little Johnny has not learned, big John will not know
"Mum! I'm going out!"
"You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!"
"Why?"
"Because I can see your balls, Tony!"
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.
She had a ridiculously long name.
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
Oooh. That's a subtle one, Tony. Had to read it twice.
Three days into his assault on Everest, Joe finally arrives at bass camp.
A young whale in training
The Hippie and The Nun
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for God to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like God and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, it's me the bus driver!”
So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car.
"Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response.
steve
Paper Plane posted:So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car.
"Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response.
steve
Brilliant, Steve. I laughed out loud at that one.
What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?
Kurt and Rod
Tony Lockhart posted:What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?
Kurt and Rod
That's very tame for you, Tony. Now where are those risqué jokes?
WHAT is the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike.
The Monk's Secret
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.. Again that night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now accepted as one of us. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door..
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
He continues on:
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ...
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
I like it, made I larf. 