Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Has me wondering how many showers Larry Nassar has in his future?
Soap on a rope no saving grace.
steve
What little Johnny has not learned, big John will not know
"Mum! I'm going out!"
"You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!"
"Why?"
"Because I can see your balls, Tony!"
I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.
She had a ridiculously long name.
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
Oooh. That's a subtle one, Tony. Had to read it twice.
Three days into his assault on Everest, Joe finally arrives at bass camp.
A young whale in training
The Hippie and The Nun
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for God to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like God and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, it's me the bus driver!”
So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car.
"Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response.
steve
Paper Plane posted:So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car.
"Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response.
steve
Brilliant, Steve. I laughed out loud at that one. 
What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?
Kurt and Rod
Tony Lockhart posted:What do you call two blokes sitting on top of a window?
Kurt and Rod
That's very tame for you, Tony. Now where are those risqué jokes?
WHAT is the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike.
The Monk's Secret
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.. Again that night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now accepted as one of us. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door..
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
He continues on:
....silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ...
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
I like it, made I larf. 
I'm gonna kill myself if she rejects me again.
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
tonym posted:A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Nice one. If we’d been given that at school it may have aided learning!
After running out of gravy, KFC blames the stock market.
GraemeH posted:I’m just back from Maplins. Unable to locate ferrite clamps in the shop I asked a shop assistant if they sold them. She proceeded to look up their website on her phone before stating that ‘no, we don’t sell them’. ‘Are you sure?. I’ve bought some here before’ I proffered.
That’s ‘f...e...r...r...e...t’ ? she asked.
Seriously.
G
Well that will never happen again now ..
Japtimscarlet posted:GraemeH posted:I’m just back from Maplins. Unable to locate ferrite clamps in the shop I asked a shop assistant if they sold them. She proceeded to look up their website on her phone before stating that ‘no, we don’t sell them’. ‘Are you sure?. I’ve bought some here before’ I proffered.
That’s ‘f...e...r...r...e...t’ ? she asked.
Seriously.
G
Well that will never happen again now ..
Ya not kidding! I bought one of the little circular ones in Maplin and clamped it onto my ferret and said mammal was gone the next morning! I was told the whole thing would go smoothly.
Minh Nguyen posted:
Would have been funnier without the unnecessary first pic....