Best Jokes (continues)

The Pope and the Dali Lama were sitting down together having breakfast.

The Pope said "I think I can see the face of Jesus in the margarine" 

The Dali Lama turned to him and replied,

"I can't believe it's not Buddha"

tonym posted:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony. 

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Reminds me of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who woke up in the middle of the night wondering if there really was a dog!   

tonym posted:

 

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars. 

I love cooking, children and dogs.

Latest news from the Capitol Hill card game: minorities played the race card, gays played the gender card, rednecks held with the Trump card.

"Mummy, where do babies come from?"

"Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes!"

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?

A Lickalotopuss.

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants black coffee.

I'm feeling quite pleased with myself today because I've just finished a 1000 piece jigsaw in just under an hour.

I'm wondering if it could be a record because it said 5-8 years on the box.

DBS-Al posted:

I'm feeling quite pleased with myself today because I've just finished a 1000 piece jigsaw in just under an hour.

I'm wondering if it could be a record because it said 5-8 years on the box.

At an average of <3.6 secs per piece it could well be a record!

How many animals can you fit inside a pair of pantyhose?

Two calves, an ass,  a beaver, a lot of hares, one camel toe and a fish no one can find.

If someone spends three years away, doing a degree, do they learn that child-like mysogonist jokes are inappropriate?

Hungryhalibut posted:

If someone spends three years away, doing a degree, do they learn that child-like mysogonist jokes are inappropriate?

That's not a joke. It's an unanswered riddle.

And as long as we're being sensitive here, the word is spelled misogynist.

You are right, Joe, though I’d rather be caught out as someone unable to spell misogynist, than to be someone who thinks misogynistic jokes are in any way amusing. 

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum? 

Warren. 

Well, if we're going to tell those sort of jokes.

What do you call a man with leaves on his head?

Russell.

What do you call a woman throwing her bills on the fire?

Bernadette. 

MDS posted:

What do you call a man with leaves on his head?

Russell.

In the wild west he'd have been shot.

Hungryhalibut posted:

What do you call a woman throwing her bills on the fire?

Bernadette. 

Ha ha! That one's new to me. Must use it. 

What do you call a woman with a pint of lager and a snooker cue on her head?

Beatrix Potter. 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man. 

What do you call a man with a wooden head?

Edward

What do you call a man with three wooden heads?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with four wooden heads?

I don't know, but Edward Woodward would

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head ?

Cliff

A misogynist says to a misandry: "I am a woman".

A misandry says to a feminist: "Together we can rule the world".

A feminist says to a logician: "WOMEN are always RIGHT and Men are always Wrong".

A logician says to a surrealist: "You are illogical".

A surrealist says to a psychiatrist: "There is nothing wrong with me".

A psychiatrist says to a psychologist: "I think you are mental".

A psychologist says to a therapist: "I don't think I can help you".

What do you call a man with a computer network on his head ?

ALAN

TOBYJUG posted:

What do you call a man with a computer network on his head ?

ALAN

One for computer nerds, I guess (OMG! Does that mean I'm one?).