Best Jokes (continues)

My girlfriend left me because of my awful Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But don't worry... I'll return.

My wife left me because of my insatiable desire for touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Are grammar and spelling important?

They can make the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

What did the drummer call his newborn twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two

(With thanks to one of Ken Bruce's correspondents on R2 this morning).

Horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah, on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”. They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later. Donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " that's me when I played for Juventus !

The doctor asked me "Do you drink to excess?"

"I drink to anything!"

MDS

That was some horse in your joke, not only did he win all those races but also managed to fool everyone and run in the Derby which is for colts and the Oaks which is fillies only race,

Karl 

Karl posted:

MDS

That was some horse in your joke, not only did he win all those races but also managed to fool everyone and run in the Derby which is for colts and the Oaks which is fillies only race,

Karl 

Maybe he was a bit of a bluffer, like the donkey 

I bought a book on anger management the other day.
Then I bloody lost it.

steve

Two cats are sat looking at a Green Canary.

The first cat says "He looks a bit off colour"

The second cat says "Maybe he isn't ripe yet".

Husband: "I want a divorce from my wife. Every night she's out trolling the singles bars."

Lawyer: "Disgraceful. Anyone in particular she's looking for?"

Husband: "Yes. Me!"

Christopher_M posted:

What did the drummer call his newborn twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two

(With thanks to one of Ken Bruce's correspondents on R2 this morning).

Like the Spanish fireman with two sons, Hose A and Hose B.

A joke now ruined by the footballing community's inability to pronounce the most common Spanish forename....

Salmon Dave posted:

Christopher_M posted:

What did the drummer call his newborn twin daughters?

Anna One, Anna Two

(With thanks to one of Ken Bruce's correspondents on R2 this morning).

Like the Spanish fireman with two sons, Hose A and Hose B.

A joke now ruined by the footballing community's inability to pronounce the most common Spanish forename....

Because José Mourinho is Portuguese, not Spanish?

One of my friends is a really stubborn hardcore raver.
She keeps trying to make me rave with her!
She just won’t techno for an answer.

I went to a swinger’s party in my army uniform last night.

Had to leave my khakis in the bowl.

I haven’t spoken to my mother in law for 18 months.............I don’t like to interrupt 

In memory of Ken Dodd

A guy walks into a London pub...
Can I use the wifi please?
Barman:
Yeah sure.
What's the code?
You need to buy a drink first.
OK. I'll have half of that craft ale and some of those salted Wasabi nuts.
We've just run out of the Wasabi nuts I'm afraid. Would the retro selection of salt and vinegar do instead?
Great, yes that will do. How much is that?
Thirteen pounds and fifty please sir.
Great. You take contactless?
Yes we do.
Great. There you go.
Need a receipt sir?
No that's great thanks.
Great.
So what's the wifi password please sir?
You need to buy a drink first. All lower case.
Great.

Over 285 bones in the human body, enough to last the average dog a fortnight 

Dogs have a very very highly developed sense of smell, you wouldn’t think so from some of the things they sniff but they do 

Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do, I have a handrail around the bed.

Theirs only one Ken Dodd!!!

wenger2015 posted:

 

Theirs only one Ken Dodd!!!

Theirs only one spelling mistake!!!

jjbomber posted:

wenger2015 posted:

 

Theirs only one Ken Dodd!!!

Theirs only one spelling mistake!!!

Not to mention grammar...

And if we're being picky, there's only 206 bones in the human body :-)

What do you call an Irishman with a pair of french windows on his head?

Paddy O'Doors

Gavin B posted:

And if we're being picky, there's only 206 bones in the human body :-)

That’s the adult human body. At birth I understand the number is about 300, so something between these two numbers in the developing body of a child.