Best Jokes (continues)

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went unto the Vice-Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor
of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President Looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jono

BREAKING NEWS: Freezing temperatures in Liverpool today, Scouser seen with hands in OWN pockets!!

Tony

Bernard Matthews; cremated on Thursday, rissoles on Friday, curried on Saturday, sandwiches on Sunday.

I was in the pub, and this guy barges straight past me knocking my drink all over me. So I said to him, "HEY! You! You're gonna fight me for that." He says back "Woah mate relax, I'm a lover, not a fighter." So I snogged him...Turns out he WAS a fighter...

Tony

I asked my Nan what she wanted for Christmas. "Something from the Body Shop please," she replied. Hope she's got enough room in the flat for the front wing off a Mondeo.

When four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit until the new year, which stressed Santa even more..
When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out somewhere in the forest.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the floorboards cracked, a bag of toys fell to the ground and all the toys were broken.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered the elves had drunk it all. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little fairy with a great big Christmas tree.
The fairy said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little fairy on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

My mate claims to have froze his testicles to the lowest temperature ever. If you ask me its Absolute Bollocks.

Tony

I saw a girl demanding the best table in a restaurant because she'd dated Guy Ritchie in the early 90s. Pre-Madonnas, eh?

Tony

A couple were walking down the road when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it is raining” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow,” she replied.

“Lets not fight about it,” the man said. “Let’s ask our Russian friend Rudolph over there whether it’s raining or snowing?”

“Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course,” Rudolph answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”

To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

I've been stuck in traffic for so long even the sat nav is asking "Are we there yet?"

Tony

The CEO of a company barely escaped death three times, and each time, the situation was caused by his reckless driver. After another near-death experience, he angrily calls his wife: "this was the last time, I'm going to fire the id**t!!"

The wife:"Please honey, give him another chance!"

Raising your voice: the next best thing to being right.

Tony

Two men in a bar:
"Do you believe in flying saucers?"
"Absolutely"
"What, did you actually see any?"
"Now that you mention it, not since my divorce..."

Apparently the best Women's Beauty Parlour in the UK is owned by Anita Bush. She's in partnership with Anita Harris.

(Ta Vic & Bob)

Did you know that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end......you'd die?

Tony

And if all the girls in Essex were laid end to end ... nobody would be surprised.

John

Three engineering students were discussing the design intent of the human body.

One said, 'It must have been designed by a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it must have been a civil engineer; who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'

quote:

Originally posted by nap-ster:
Apparently the best Women's Beauty Parlour in the UK is owned by Anita Bush. She's in partnership with Anita Harris.

(Ta Vic & Bob)

I don't get it?

quote:

Originally posted by Sniper:

quote:

Originally posted by nap-ster:
Apparently the best Women's Beauty Parlour in the UK is owned by Anita Bush. She's in partnership with Anita Harris.

(Ta Vic & Bob)

I don't get it?

A neater bush.

Jono

Obviously not a back, sack & crack man then.

Paddy: "I don't want to go to school today"
His mom: "You HAVE to go to school today"
"I don't want to go to school. I'm having fights with the kids all the time, and even the teachers hate my guts. Nobody likes me".
"End of the discussion, young man. You're 55 years old, you're the principal, so you go to school!"

And another innocent one from when we were kids and the world was a nicer place:

Paddy has failed his exams again this year. His parents are furious. Paddy: "Aww, mom, it wasn't my fault. They asked the same questions as last year!"

quote:

Originally posted by Jono 13:

quote:

I don't get it?

A neater bush.

Jono

I am much obliged

Holly Willoughby's having a girl. Disappointingly this turned out to be a story about her pregnancy.

Tony