Best Jokes (continues)

A man is sat on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.

The baby wont take it so she says .....''Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man''.

10 minutes later the baby still wont breastfeed so she says again.....
''Come on darling, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!'' To which the man replies...

''Listen love, could you make your fucking mind up, I shouldve got off 4 stops ago''.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by roger poll:
I apologise if my poor attempt at humour offended anyone, that certainly was not my intention. And, although I have seen far worse content on the 'Best Jokes' posts, may I ask the moderators to remove my post

Roger, there was another joke posted after your's. Then people started to make comments about the other joke. Then this other joke was removed. But the moderator did not remove the comments related to the removed joke. So now anyone reading the thread thinks the comments are directed at your joke.

But let's get the record straight: your joke is not only funny but it is also very informative. For instance, many foreigners did not know that judges in the UK would make this kind of offer.

For completeness - and also in case someone is interested - please could you to post the contact information of the fisherman's friend?

But maybe you prefer that people contact you directly?

Top Tips: Tell your friends not to buy you any Frankie Boyle DVD's for Christmas presents.

quote:

Originally posted by nap-ster:
Top Tips: Tell your friends not to buy you any Frankie Boyle DVD's for Christmas presents.

???????

steve (baffled)

Ok, anything to ensure a listen to the DBLs:

Just changed my facebook profile name to "NO-ONE". That way, when I like people status' it says NO-ONE likes your status.

Tony

I've just renamed my Wifi Network "Kids there's no such thing as Santa."
That should make for some interesting conversation on Christmas day around the dinner table as 9 year old Savannah connects to the internet to update her Wii/DS.

A man and a woman who hadn't met before find themselves sharing a sleeping carriage of a train.
After a little bit of embarrassment they go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk.
In the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I’m sorry, but I’m awfully cold and I was hoping you could get me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a smile says, “I’ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
The woman thinks for a while. “Why not,” she giggles.
“Great,” he replies, “Get your own bloody blanket!"

Tesco. Consider putting the Samaritans phone number on your Christmas meals for one.

Asda has just rung me, someone is drunk, smoking a joint,
wearing a thong and riding a plastic reindeer around their store.

I'll come and get you but this has to stop.

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went unto the Vice-Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor
of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President Looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went unto the Vice-Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor
of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President Looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jono

BREAKING NEWS: Freezing temperatures in Liverpool today, Scouser seen with hands in OWN pockets!!

Tony

Bernard Matthews; cremated on Thursday, rissoles on Friday, curried on Saturday, sandwiches on Sunday.

I was in the pub, and this guy barges straight past me knocking my drink all over me. So I said to him, "HEY! You! You're gonna fight me for that." He says back "Woah mate relax, I'm a lover, not a fighter." So I snogged him...Turns out he WAS a fighter...

Tony

I asked my Nan what she wanted for Christmas. "Something from the Body Shop please," she replied. Hope she's got enough room in the flat for the front wing off a Mondeo.

When four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit until the new year, which stressed Santa even more..
When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out somewhere in the forest.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the floorboards cracked, a bag of toys fell to the ground and all the toys were broken.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered the elves had drunk it all. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little fairy with a great big Christmas tree.
The fairy said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little fairy on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

My mate claims to have froze his testicles to the lowest temperature ever. If you ask me its Absolute Bollocks.

Tony

I saw a girl demanding the best table in a restaurant because she'd dated Guy Ritchie in the early 90s. Pre-Madonnas, eh?

Tony

A couple were walking down the road when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it is raining” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow,” she replied.

“Lets not fight about it,” the man said. “Let’s ask our Russian friend Rudolph over there whether it’s raining or snowing?”

“Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

“It’s raining, of course,” Rudolph answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”

To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

I've been stuck in traffic for so long even the sat nav is asking "Are we there yet?"

Tony

The CEO of a company barely escaped death three times, and each time, the situation was caused by his reckless driver. After another near-death experience, he angrily calls his wife: "this was the last time, I'm going to fire the id**t!!"

The wife:"Please honey, give him another chance!"

Raising your voice: the next best thing to being right.

Tony

Two men in a bar:
"Do you believe in flying saucers?"
"Absolutely"
"What, did you actually see any?"
"Now that you mention it, not since my divorce..."

Apparently the best Women's Beauty Parlour in the UK is owned by Anita Bush. She's in partnership with Anita Harris.

(Ta Vic & Bob)