Best Jokes (continues)

Maybe this thread should be renamed as ‘Best politically, orthographically, grammatically and factually correct jokes’.

I suppose the funnier we find a joke, the more better we can accept the odd mistake. A bland joke is going to get criticised straight away of it contains errars.  

T

You’re not taking this seriously, Tony!

Dear Jim Bowen

If you hadn’t died on the same day as Stephen Hawking, here’s what you could have had...

Mrs asked "Would you like a blow job?"

I said "Do bears poo in the woods?"

Wish I'd just said 'Yes', she's been on Google ever since!

I TRIED to make a joke about a clock...

But I messed up the timing.

rodwsmith posted:

Dear Jim Bowen

If you hadn’t died on the same day as Stephen Hawking, here’s what you could have had...

Typical of Jim.

He let the non darts player go first.

" I used to know a topless ventriloquist.

no one saw her lips move"

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

joerand posted:

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

Brilliant!

My wife's parking is unparalleled.

My wife was complaining all I ever do is sit home at night listening to music.

She demanded I take her out somewhere expensive.

I agreed and took her to the local Naim dealer.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"

joerand posted:

My wife was complaining all I ever do is sit home at night listening to music.

She demanded I take her out somewhere expensive.

I agreed and took her to the local Naim dealer.

Ouch!

The truth hurts.

I took my Daughter for her driving test theory earlier today in Wolverhampton (she passed).

To get home i plugged in my address and the route above is what i got.

Made me chuckle.

Yep. I'd have been chucking for ages

elkman70 posted:

I took my Daughter for her driving test theory earlier today in Wolverhampton (she passed).

To get home i plugged in my address and the route above is what i got.

Made me chuckle.

I used to work in Wolverhampton and I don't remember a roundabout that shape. The guy who designed it must have been a bit of a d**kh**d.

nigelb posted:

elkman70 posted:

 

I took my Daughter for her driving test theory earlier today in Wolverhampton (she passed).

To get home i plugged in my address and the route above is what i got.

Made me chuckle.

I used to work in Wolverhampton and I don't remember a roundabout that shape. The guy who designed it must have been a bit of a d**kh**d.

I had a look on Google Maps, it doesn't even need the highlighting!

I popped this in the football thread but others might find it funny too (hope I haven't infringed too much our good moderator's 'red line' on a certain topic).

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked: "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered: "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move. That one there is Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

GF "Love you babe xxx"

Me "Love you too"

GF "Would mean a lot if you started putting x's at the end of your text xxx"

Me "OK Amy, Jane, Holly, Gemma."

Couple get into bed..
He starts to kiss his wife.
She turns over & says "I'm sorry I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over & taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

From a former consultant on the Now Show on R4 yesterday:

Obstetrics & Gynaecology....otherwise known as Parts and Labour.