Best Jokes (continues)

I haven’t spoken to my mother in law for 18 months.............I don’t like to interrupt 

In memory of Ken Dodd

A guy walks into a London pub...
Can I use the wifi please?
Barman:
Yeah sure.
What's the code?
You need to buy a drink first.
OK. I'll have half of that craft ale and some of those salted Wasabi nuts.
We've just run out of the Wasabi nuts I'm afraid. Would the retro selection of salt and vinegar do instead?
Great, yes that will do. How much is that?
Thirteen pounds and fifty please sir.
Great. You take contactless?
Yes we do.
Great. There you go.
Need a receipt sir?
No that's great thanks.
Great.
So what's the wifi password please sir?
You need to buy a drink first. All lower case.
Great.

Over 285 bones in the human body, enough to last the average dog a fortnight 

Dogs have a very very highly developed sense of smell, you wouldn’t think so from some of the things they sniff but they do 

Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do, I have a handrail around the bed.

Theirs only one Ken Dodd!!!

wenger2015 posted:

 

Theirs only one Ken Dodd!!!

Theirs only one spelling mistake!!!

jjbomber posted:

wenger2015 posted:

 

Theirs only one Ken Dodd!!!

Theirs only one spelling mistake!!!

Not to mention grammar...

And if we're being picky, there's only 206 bones in the human body :-)

What do you call an Irishman with a pair of french windows on his head?

Paddy O'Doors

Gavin B posted:

And if we're being picky, there's only 206 bones in the human body :-)

That’s the adult human body. At birth I understand the number is about 300, so something between these two numbers in the developing body of a child.

Maybe this thread should be renamed as ‘Best politically, orthographically, grammatically and factually correct jokes’.

I suppose the funnier we find a joke, the more better we can accept the odd mistake. A bland joke is going to get criticised straight away of it contains errars.  

T

You’re not taking this seriously, Tony!

Dear Jim Bowen

If you hadn’t died on the same day as Stephen Hawking, here’s what you could have had...

Mrs asked "Would you like a blow job?"

I said "Do bears poo in the woods?"

Wish I'd just said 'Yes', she's been on Google ever since!

I TRIED to make a joke about a clock...

But I messed up the timing.

rodwsmith posted:

Dear Jim Bowen

If you hadn’t died on the same day as Stephen Hawking, here’s what you could have had...

Typical of Jim.

He let the non darts player go first.

" I used to know a topless ventriloquist.

no one saw her lips move"

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

joerand posted:

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

Brilliant!

My wife's parking is unparalleled.

My wife was complaining all I ever do is sit home at night listening to music.

She demanded I take her out somewhere expensive.

I agreed and took her to the local Naim dealer.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"

joerand posted:

My wife was complaining all I ever do is sit home at night listening to music.

She demanded I take her out somewhere expensive.

I agreed and took her to the local Naim dealer.

Ouch!

The truth hurts.

I took my Daughter for her driving test theory earlier today in Wolverhampton (she passed).

To get home i plugged in my address and the route above is what i got.

Made me chuckle.

Yep. I'd have been chucking for ages