Best Jokes (continues)

Christopher_M posted:

From a former consultant on the Now Show on R4 yesterday:

Obstetrics & Gynaecology....otherwise known as Parts and Labour.

I think he also added something along the lines of.....

"After each operation I have twice a many patients as I started with !"

My wife told me: ‘Sex is so much better on holiday.’ I've got to say, that wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

As I was sat at my desk earlier, my boss crept in and sat in the corner.

"Don't mind me" he said. "Pretend I'm not here!"

So I cracked open a can of lager, phoned my mate in Australia, then had a tug!

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.  A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them, and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street, I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details  (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ???????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 in their quest to find Lord Lucan.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards ?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

Deja Vu

Oh man that is sooo good.  Think I might join Bodmin police, the hours must be wonderful.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to discover that the person who wrote those two emails to Bodmin police is none other than Resurrection of this parish. They have his witty and articulate style.   

A quick Google search on the text string "Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I hav" shows it appearing on the net in 2009. Snopes web site does not recognise it.

It's a fact - 90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

Personal experience?

A successful marriage is the ongoing process of recognizing the type of person your spouse desires.

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem, Alan"

A bicycle can't stand on its own. Why? Because it's two tyred.

Tony Lockhart posted:

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem, Alan"

I nearly fell off the sofa laughing when the penny dropped.

steve

Tony Lockhart posted:

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem, Alan"

At some point Alan is bound to ask why his other sister is named Lora.

I met up with an old friend last night. He asked "So what are you doing these days?"

I replied "I hand out clothes to poor people".

"That's so charitable" he replied.

"Not really' I said. 'I work in Primark"

Tony Lockhart posted:

I met up with an old friend last night. He asked "So what are you doing these days?"

I replied "I hand out clothes to poor people".

"That's so charitable" he replied.

"Not really' I said. 'I work in Primark"

I'm British but have lived in the US for over 30+ years .. and freely admit I don't get this joke .. clues please ?

John Willmott posted:

Tony Lockhart posted:

I met up with an old friend last night. He asked "So what are you doing these days?"

I replied "I hand out clothes to poor people".

"That's so charitable" he replied.

"Not really' I said. 'I work in Primark"

I'm British but have lived in the US for over 30+ years .. and freely admit I don't get this joke .. clues please ?

 

Don't worry it isn't a very funny joke as poking fun at the less well off or 'poor' people isn't funny in my book.  Anyway decide for yourself 'Primark' is a shop that sells very inexpensive clothes.

joerand posted:

A successful marriage is the ongoing process of recognizing the type of person your spouse desires.

No matter what she says it's me who always has the last word... Yes Dear!

Bob,

It's not poking fun at the poor. It's making a light hearted joke about the price of clothing at Primark. Plenty of people with money to burn buy clothing from Primark because it's cheap enough to just bin after a few weeks. That's quite handy with kids who grow an inch every month. 

And thank you for assuming I'm rich. I'm not.  

Fun things to do at your local Walmart -

While handling rifles in the sporting goods department, ask the clerk where the pharmacy is telling him you really need to get your antidepressant prescription filled.