Best Jokes (continues)

I met a girl in a club last night, and after a few drinks she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex.

I didn't want to disappoint her, so I said no. 

I really need to break up with my girlfriend. She called last night and said "come on over, there's nobody home".

When I got there nobody was home.

I like my women how i like my coffee.

Without a penis.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

"I've just built a model of Mount Everest."

"Is it to scale?"

"No, just to look at."

My wife accused me of always arguing the smallest details.

"Smallest details" I replied, "now you're just splitting hairs."

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials : he said "we've got whale meat or whale meat, or whale meat ...or we've got the Vera Lynn"
I said, "what's the Vera Lynn?"
He said, "Whale meat again".

tonym posted:

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials : he said "we've got whale meat or whale meat, or whale meat ...or we've got the Vera Lynn"
I said, "what's the Vera Lynn?"
He said, "Whale meat again".

Had to say this out loud twice but I did get it. Tony's been on a bit of a roll lately.

For Clay see

https://www.google.com/search?...iw=1681&bih=1276

Derek Wright posted:

For Clay see

https://www.google.com/search?...iw=1681&bih=1276

 

Thanks Derek! Lovely song and nice to know Ms. Lynn is still with us at 101. 

“Hello - is this Gordon's Pizza?”
“No, sir - it's Google’s Pizza.”
“I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.”
“No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.”
“Oh! Okay, I would like to order a pizza.”
“Do you want your usual, sir?”
“My usual? You know me?”
“According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust."
“Right! That's what I want.”
“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?”
“What? I detest vegetables!”
“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
“How the hell do you know that?”
“We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”
“No, I don’t want a vegetable pizza - I take medication for cholesterol.”
“Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database you purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.”
“I bought more from another chemist"
“That doesn't show on your credit card statement.”
“I paid cash.”
“But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”
“I have other sources of cash.”
“That doesn't show on your last tax return, unless you're using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”
“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”
“I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”
“Well I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and the others!! I'm going to an island with no internet, no cable TV – some place where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!”
“I understand, sir. But you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago.”

Mr Cyclops: "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?"

Wife: (biting lip).. "I think you need two 'i's."

Mr Cyclops: (puts pen down angrily)...
"My life is just a joke to you isn't it!"

I went out and bought a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

I used to worry about having a small penis. Then I realized I actually have gigantic balls.

joerand posted:

I used to worry about having a small penis. Then I realized I actually have gigantic balls.

Shouldn't that be "Unfeasibly large testicles"?

Scientists have confirmed that Uranus has an atmosphere that smells of farts.

TOBYJUG posted:

Scientists have confirmed that Uranus has an atmosphere that smells of farts.

I wonder if Herschel had that in mind when he named it.  

TOBYJUG posted:

Scientists have confirmed that Uranus has an atmosphere that smells of farts.

Mine certainly does!

HOW many feet are there in a yard?

It depends how many people are walking across it.

When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.