Best Jokes (continues)

How many Smiths fans does it take to change a light bulb?
None because they have a light that never goes out!!!

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. 

 He's a man after my own heart.

A homeless man approaches a monastery for some help. He is taken to the kitchen, where he sees a brother cooking chips.

''Are you the friar?'' asks the homeless man.

The brother replies ''No, I'm the chip monk''

Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. 

It was crap.

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. 

It was crap.

It was a shih Tzu 

steve woodmansey posted:

Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. 

It was crap.

It was a shih Tzu 

I think the point of Tony’s joke is, as it’s such a well known punchline, to leave it out could be funnier?

G

GraemeH posted:

steve woodmansey posted:

Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. 

It was crap.

It was a shih Tzu 

I think the point of Tony’s joke is, as it’s such a well known punchline, to leave it out could be funnier?

G

Yep. Wasn't really worth bothering!

Tony Lockhart posted:

GraemeH posted:

steve woodmansey posted:

Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog. 

It was crap.

It was a shih Tzu 

I think the point of Tony’s joke is, as it’s such a well known punchline, to leave it out could be funnier?

G

Yep. Wasn't really worth bothering!

It made me smirk!

G

UK Vote for Eurovision Referendum..

Leave.   84 %.

Remain.  16  %.

Message to the person that stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will hunt you down and find you. You have my Word.

It's already the 14th and I can't wait for the end of May.

And Corbyn. And Cable. And especially the House Of Lords.

Doctor: "Your test results just came in and I'm afraid you suffer from a terminal illness. You have only 10 to live."

Patient: "10? What do you mean, 10? Months? Weeks? What?!"

Doctor: "You're now down to 9."

Cashier: "That'll be £784 please. 

Customer: "Oh. Can I take the razor blades off the bill please?"

Cashier: "Ok. That'll be £2.99."

Tony Lockhart posted:

Cashier: "That'll be £784 please. 

 

Customer: "Oh. Can I take the razor blades off the bill please?"

 

Cashier: "Ok. That'll be £2.99."

I sport a beard, so I don't get this joke.

JOERAND - that was a joke from the brilliant Bob Monkhouse, who told it on a chat show when he was in his final stages of cancer.

Big Bill posted:

Tony Lockhart posted:

Cashier: "That'll be £784 please. 

 

Customer: "Oh. Can I take the razor blades off the bill please?"

 

Cashier: "Ok. That'll be £2.99."

I sport a beard, so I don't get this joke.

JOERAND - that was a joke from the brilliant Bob Monkhouse, who told it on a chat show when he was in his final stages of cancer.

How to ruin a joke thread.  

Tony Lockhart posted:

Big Bill posted:

Tony Lockhart posted:

Cashier: "That'll be £784 please. 

 

Customer: "Oh. Can I take the razor blades off the bill please?"

 

Cashier: "Ok. That'll be £2.99."

I sport a beard, so I don't get this joke.

JOERAND - that was a joke from the brilliant Bob Monkhouse, who told it on a chat show when he was in his final stages of cancer.

How to ruin a joke thread.  

Now that's funny Tony .. Bob Monkhouse, not so much.

John Willmott posted:

Tony Lockhart posted:

Big Bill posted:

Tony Lockhart posted:

Cashier: "That'll be £784 please. 

 

Customer: "Oh. Can I take the razor blades off the bill please?"

 

Cashier: "Ok. That'll be £2.99."

I sport a beard, so I don't get this joke.

JOERAND - that was a joke from the brilliant Bob Monkhouse, who told it on a chat show when he was in his final stages of cancer.

How to ruin a joke thread.  

Now that's funny Tony .. Bob Monkhouse, not so much.

What?????  Bob  Monkhouse was brilliant!

Last night my wife met me at the front door wearing a sexy negligee and long fur coat.

She was on her way out.

“Don't worry, darling," the girlfriend said to me, "size doesn't matter."


All our wallpaper fell off...

tonym posted:

“Don't worry, darling," the girlfriend said to me, "size doesn't matter."


All our wallpaper fell off...

That is clever.

Barbara Windsor's Alzheimer's has just got worse. She thinks she's hosting the Royal Wedding tomorrow.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Laurel

Yanny Who?