Best Jokes (continues)

jjbomber posted:

Barbara Windsor's Alzheimer's has just got worse. She thinks she's hosting the Royal Wedding tomorrow.

Not funny.

My wife left me tonight without a word. I'm sure it's because I'm so paranoid and insecure.

Oh wait, she was just getting the mail.

An old joke for you guys.

So The missus asked me to make a nice spaghetti carbanana.

A woman hits a man with her car and she tells the policeman that the man was on the phone and having a beer. The policeman replied: "Listen lady, a guy can do whatever he wants to in his backyard!".

Two tunnocks caramel logs standing in the arrivals lounge at Glasgow airport. One turns to the other and says, how long you been a wafer?

G

GraemeH posted:

Two tunnocks caramel logs standing in the arrivals lounge at Glasgow airport. One turns to the other and says, how long you been a wafer?

G

Pure dead brilliant, ken.

TOBYJUG posted:

So The missus asked me to make a nice spaghetti carbanana.

You forgot the Parmevan cheese...

G

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
 3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
 6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
 16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
 18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
 19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
 21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

That is awesome Tobes!

After many months and monies spent tracing my geneology on-line I've found exactly where I fit in my family tree.

I'm the sap.

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck ?

A duck filled fatty puss

My wife has just bought yet another full length mirror. She needs to take a good, long look at herself.

I don’t see what all the fuss is about...’Pardon me’ is what we were taught to always say if we accidentally trumped as children.

G

My wife said she could give me 14 reasons to leave me, not including my obsession with tennis.

I said, that's 15 love.

tonym posted:

My wife said she could give me 14 reasons to leave me, not including my obsession with tennis.

I said, that's 15 love.

Excellent, well played!  

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

I picked up a hitchhiker recently.

He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a complete stranger. “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? For all you know, I could be a serial killer."

I said to him “The chances of having two serial killers in the one car would be astronomical."

And the version I found...

steve

My wife is still hot, these days it just comes in flashes.

I think the water bed was the beginning of the end for our relationship. 

We started to drift apart.