Best Jokes (continues)

tonym posted:

My wife said she could give me 14 reasons to leave me, not including my obsession with tennis.

I said, that's 15 love.

Excellent, well played!  

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

I picked up a hitchhiker recently.

He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a complete stranger. “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? For all you know, I could be a serial killer."

I said to him “The chances of having two serial killers in the one car would be astronomical."

And the version I found...

steve

My wife is still hot, these days it just comes in flashes.

I think the water bed was the beginning of the end for our relationship. 

We started to drift apart. 

Mr Whippy has been found dead with a flake up his arse, sprinkles on his balls and strawberry sauce on his knob.

 Police have put forward that he topped himself.

I took two stuffed dogs onto “Flog It.”
The expert examined them and said,”They’re a fine example of the celebrated Johns Brothers of London.Taxidermists whose work is very sought after.”
“Do you know what they might fetch if they were in good condition?”asked the expert.
I said, “Yes. Sticks”.

steve

Politicians in Scotland are planning to make it illegal to take photos up a man's kilt. The government are introducing a private member's bill.

jjbomber posted:

Politicians in Scotland are planning to make it illegal to take photos up a man's kilt. The government are introducing a private member's bill.

I hope that wasn't a dig at me! 

Paper Plane posted:

steve

Oh that is very good!

My friend took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Clive B posted:

Paper Plane posted:

steve

Oh that is very good!

At the last Euro's tournament it was a photo of the Engerland team plane...and the "voiceover" from the tower, "Echo Tango Sierra, keep the engines running. They won't be very long!"

In the jungle, a group of explorers hear distant drumming, and their native bearers suddenly seem very afraid.
The expedition's leader asks them, "What's going on?"
A native bearer replies, "Very, very bad when drumming stops."
So the leader asks, "Why, what happens then?"
The bearer explains, "Bass solo starts."

Me and a mate went to our local boozer to drink some ale and watch some footy without our mem sahibs moaning about having t'football on.  Well we got a couple of drinks in, sat down and made ourselves comfortable.  When we looked up at the TV it's Eastenders or Coronation Street or some other such rubbish playing!!!!  "What's happening" we asked the manager.  Sorry lads we are only showing the Scotland matches! 

F