Best Jokes (continues)

Mr Whippy has been found dead with a flake up his arse, sprinkles on his balls and strawberry sauce on his knob.

 Police have put forward that he topped himself.

I took two stuffed dogs onto “Flog It.”
The expert examined them and said,”They’re a fine example of the celebrated Johns Brothers of London.Taxidermists whose work is very sought after.”
“Do you know what they might fetch if they were in good condition?”asked the expert.
I said, “Yes. Sticks”.

steve

Politicians in Scotland are planning to make it illegal to take photos up a man's kilt. The government are introducing a private member's bill.

jjbomber posted:

Politicians in Scotland are planning to make it illegal to take photos up a man's kilt. The government are introducing a private member's bill.

I hope that wasn't a dig at me! 

Paper Plane posted:

steve

Oh that is very good!

My friend took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Clive B posted:

Paper Plane posted:

steve

Oh that is very good!

At the last Euro's tournament it was a photo of the Engerland team plane...and the "voiceover" from the tower, "Echo Tango Sierra, keep the engines running. They won't be very long!"

In the jungle, a group of explorers hear distant drumming, and their native bearers suddenly seem very afraid.
The expedition's leader asks them, "What's going on?"
A native bearer replies, "Very, very bad when drumming stops."
So the leader asks, "Why, what happens then?"
The bearer explains, "Bass solo starts."

Me and a mate went to our local boozer to drink some ale and watch some footy without our mem sahibs moaning about having t'football on.  Well we got a couple of drinks in, sat down and made ourselves comfortable.  When we looked up at the TV it's Eastenders or Coronation Street or some other such rubbish playing!!!!  "What's happening" we asked the manager.  Sorry lads we are only showing the Scotland matches! 

F

My girlfriend asked me "If you could have a threesome, which of my friends you would choose?"

Turns out I was only supposed to name one, not two.

tonym posted:

My girlfriend asked me "If you could have a threesome, which of my friends you would choose?"

Turns out I was only supposed to name one, not two.

Arf, arf!

tonym posted:

My girlfriend asked me "If you could have a threesome, which of my friends you would choose?"

Turns out I was only supposed to name one, not two.

Even worse: ''Both of them''

jjbomber posted:

tonym posted:

My girlfriend asked me "If you could have a threesome, which of my friends you would choose?"

Turns out I was only supposed to name one, not two.

Even worse: ''Both of them''

But she may have more than two attractive friends.

steve

Kevin-W posted:

To my American friends:

If you think that Mexico is only sending drug dealers and rapists, and worry that Mexicans are going to take your job...

What the hell do you do for a living?

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.

It was here a minute ago.