Best Jokes (continues)

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in the office, thinking about the missus. I could't wait to get home from work and rip her knickers off...

They were absolutely killing me!

tonym posted:

My girlfriend asked me "If you could have a threesome, which of my friends you would choose?"

Turns out I was only supposed to name one, not two.

When the wife asked me to list all the girls I'd slept with, it turns out I should have stopped once I got to her in the list.

(c) Milton Jones iirc.

Paper Plane posted:

steve

And from the Adrian Juste Radio Show many moons ago...

Phone rings; Aussie accent answers - "Hey Sydney Cricket Ground, Bruce speaking"

Stiff Upper Lipped voice over long distance line: "Smithers from the MCC here. Can I speak to Mike Brearley please?"

Aussie: "Mike Brearly? He's just gone out to bat mate"

Brit: "Oh it's ok. I'll hang on."

This one's for Tony:

Proof that woman do things just to start an argument.
My missus rang me at work today and said "I've not had time to start tea,do you fancy going out for some".
"Yeah that sounds good" I replied.
When I got home from the restaurant there she was sat at the kitchen table with a face like thunder.

steve

Three films likely to appeal to a Yorkshireman:

Truly, Madly, Keighley

The Full Bronte

Eeeeeeee. Tea.

Christopher_M posted:

Three films likely to appeal to a Yorkshireman:

Truly, Madly, Keighley

The Full Bronte

Eeeeeeee. Tea.

You were listening to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue last night then too Chris?

Kevin-W posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Three films likely to appeal to a Yorkshireman:

Truly, Madly, Keighley

The Full Bronte

Eeeeeeee. Tea.

You were listening to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue last night then too Chris?

A true Yorkshireman would 'Boycott' this thread.

ChrisR_EPL posted:

Paper Plane posted:

steve

And from the Adrian Juste Radio Show many moons ago...

Phone rings; Aussie accent answers - "Hey Sydney Cricket Ground, Bruce speaking"

Stiff Upper Lipped voice over long distance line: "Smithers from the MCC here. Can I speak to Mike Brearley please?"

Aussie: "Mike Brearly? He's just gone out to bat mate"

Brit: "Oh it's ok. I'll hang on."

I thought this was called Best Jokes not 40 year old ones

Australian goes into a DIY store

"I want some sandpaper please"

"What do you want it for, mate?"

"I'm playing cricket tomorrow"

Sad news today.

The bloke who invented predictive text messaging has passed away. His funeral is a week on Monkey.

Kevin-W posted:

Sad news today.

The bloke who invented predictive text messaging has passed away. His funeral is a week on Monkey.

I thought it was 'his funfair is a week on Monkey'?

Kevin-W posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Three films likely to appeal to a Yorkshireman:

Truly, Madly, Keighley

The Full Bronte

Eeeeeeee. Tea.

You were listening to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue last night then too Chris?

Since when exactly have we been acknowledging our sources?!

Christopher_M posted:

Kevin-W posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Three films likely to appeal to a Yorkshireman:

Truly, Madly, Keighley

The Full Bronte

Eeeeeeee. Tea.

You were listening to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue last night then too Chris?

Since when exactly have we been acknowledging our sources?!

You mean...you don't make up the jokes yourself?

tonym posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Kevin-W posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Three films likely to appeal to a Yorkshireman:

Truly, Madly, Keighley

The Full Bronte

Eeeeeeee. Tea.

You were listening to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue last night then too Chris?

Since when exactly have we been acknowledging our sources?!

You mean...you don't make up the jokes yourself?

Maybe his missus doesn't provide him with as much material as yours Tony.

My pet lizard was getting really stressed so I gave him some Valium. Now he's a calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

So that Thai boys football team are trapped and in danger of the cave flooding. It sounds like a perfect time for them to use their subs.

jjbomber posted:

So that Thai boys football team are trapped and in danger of the cave flooding. It sounds like a perfect time for them to use their subs.

Shameful.

I agree, what a pathetic attempt at humour. You should be ashamed of yourself.

DBS-Al posted:

I agree, what a pathetic attempt at humour. You should be ashamed of yourself.

100 % agree.No thought how terrified those kids are,or how their parents are feeling the family of the diver who died trying to rescue them.

Sorry, can't see anything wrong with JJbomber's little joke. It's not offensive to the lads trapped, who I suspect would probably find it amusing too (Thinks- better not post my one...)

tonym posted:

Sorry, can't see anything wrong with JJbomber's little joke. It's not offensive to the lads trapped, who I suspect would probably find it amusing too (Thinks- better not post my one...)

With lives in peril, I doubt Naim would want the reputational damage of such a highly offensive 'little joke' on their forum.

Seems some people only read the jokes thread so they can find something to be offended about. Highly offensive? Your opinion of course, which you're entitled to, but with which I happen to disagree.

I think I may have seen Michael J. Fox at the garden centre. I can’t be sure because he had his back to the Fuchsias.

tonym posted:

Sorry, can't see anything wrong with JJbomber's little joke. It's not offensive to the lads trapped, who I suspect would probably find it amusing too (Thinks- better not post my one...)

Following the successful release of the boys, the British rescue team have all been invited to Downing Street. It's not for an honour, but to get Theresa May out of a hole.