Best Jokes (continues)

jjbomber posted:

tonym posted:

Sorry, can't see anything wrong with JJbomber's little joke. It's not offensive to the lads trapped, who I suspect would probably find it amusing too (Thinks- better not post my one...)

Following the successful release of the boys, the British rescue team have all been invited to Downing Street. It's not for an honour, but to get Theresa May out of a hole.

Ok, jjbomber, now that is funny 

Some have great difficulties sleeping.  Hey I can do that with my eyes closed.

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

A man walks past a fridge and thinks he can hear onions singing Bee Gee’s songs but on opening the fridge he discovered it was only the chives talkin’

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know, don’t care.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

^^ reminds me of my boss.

I just got ripped off by a ticket tout.

I wanted to see The Cure but he's sold me Placebo tickets.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're asleep or awake. Or if you operated on the right patient.

An English football fan and a French football fan walk into a bar.
The English fan says to the French fan “We're playing Croatia tomorrow”.
“Wow,” says the Frenchman, “What a coincidence! we are playing them on Sunday!”

A Sky engineer was in hospital. The staff tried everything they could, but nothing worked. Finally they had to switch the life support machine off ....

..... waited 10 seconds.....

.... then switched it back on. He made a full recovery.

jjbomber posted:

A Sky engineer was in hospital. The staff tried everything they could, but nothing worked. Finally they had to switch the life support machine off ....

..... waited 10 seconds.....

.... then switched it back on. He made a full recovery.

I was once told it was a good job Microsoft didn't invent the CD player, as we'd all need Control/Alt/Delete keys on the remotes - plus the pre-owned market would be a shambles given the need to keep purchasing licences (strange how many mature students would emerge from the populous). 

I used to have a phobia about horse-chestnut trees.......but I think I've conquered it.

MDS posted:

I used to have a phobia about horse-chestnut trees.......but I think I've conquered it.

You might need to translate that one for our non-UK friends  ..........   

Football's Gone Home

There are flood warinings in place in England tonight as the whole of Scotland pisses themselves laughing.

ewemon posted:

There are flood warinings in place in England tonight as the whole of Scotland pisses themselves laughing.

Yeah 'cos they did brilliant in t'World Cup didn't they?   

We've got really good pet insurance. While the dog was at the vet, they gave us a courtesy cat.

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I recently replaced our bed with a trampoline – my wife hit the roof when she found out!

Just say "No" to drugs .............. well, if I'm talking to my drugs, .................... I probably already said "Yes".

I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

A 60 years old Millionaire is getting married and throws a lavish wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and one of them asks him how did he land such a beautiful sexy 23-year-old.
Simple grins the millionaire, I faked my age.
I told her I was 87.

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a wand! What do I want with a wand?"

"It's not just any wand." I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said, "What's it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words”.

"Okay," She said shaking the wand, "Abracadabra!"

"Flipping heck, love!" I said peering down the side of the bed, "You're not going to believe this."

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"