Best Jokes (continues)

ewemon posted:

There are flood warinings in place in England tonight as the whole of Scotland pisses themselves laughing.

Yeah 'cos they did brilliant in t'World Cup didn't they?   

We've got really good pet insurance. While the dog was at the vet, they gave us a courtesy cat.

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I recently replaced our bed with a trampoline – my wife hit the roof when she found out!

Just say "No" to drugs .............. well, if I'm talking to my drugs, .................... I probably already said "Yes".

I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

A 60 years old Millionaire is getting married and throws a lavish wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and one of them asks him how did he land such a beautiful sexy 23-year-old.
Simple grins the millionaire, I faked my age.
I told her I was 87.

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a wand! What do I want with a wand?"

"It's not just any wand." I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said, "What's it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words”.

"Okay," She said shaking the wand, "Abracadabra!"

"Flipping heck, love!" I said peering down the side of the bed, "You're not going to believe this."

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

What sport do you play with a Wombat ?

Wom.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

I organized a threesome last night. There were two no-shows, but I still had fun.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

My three favourite things are eating dogs and not using commas.

tonym posted:

My three favourite things are eating dogs and not using commas.

That's clever but would be wasted on my adult children who have never got punctuation. 

Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat.
My nan had one. She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did sod -all.

MDS posted:

tonym posted:

My three favourite things are eating dogs and not using commas.

 would be wasted on my adult children. 

It was wasted on my Korean neighbours as well. 

steve

The family weren't happy I'd put ginger in the curry. Apparently the kids really loved that cat.

Went to the Care Home yesterday evening to see my old Dad. They were just getting the old boys ready for bed when I saw something rather strange.

Intrigued, I asked the Carer why she slipped half a Viagra in the Old Boys' Horlicks. 'Don't they get a bit…err…frisky?', I inquired.

'No..' replied the Carer, ...'but it does stop them rolling out of bed at night'.

Feeling down in the dumps, overweight, Unfit, thinking you're getting old, got aches and pains, stiff back? Well just park in a disabled bay at Tesco and everyone will be sure to tell you there's f*ck all wrong with you.

Fellah goes to answer the door.

Finds some uniformed officers there.

”Would you be Mr Jones sir?” They enquire?

”Indeed I am” he replies”

”Ah, well we have some bad news, some good news and some very good news for you”

”Oh well, please start with the bad news...”

”Well, I’m sorry to say your estranged wife’s body was found earlier, having drowned in the sea yesterday”

”Oh my gosh, that’s awful, I mean we were no longer close but still, it’s quite a shock! What could possibly be the good news?”

”The good news is that when she was found, there were a dozen of the finest lobsters clinging to her, must have been attracted somehow, and we thought it only fair that we share them with you”

”Ermm, well I suppose that’s something, what could possibly be the very good news?”

”The very good news is that we’re going to pull her up again tomorrow...”