Best Jokes (continues)

I see the Origami championships are on tele... Unfortunately it's paper-view.

Tony

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so.
I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over
his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

If you get an email or text warning that you can catch Swine Flu from tinned ham, ignore and delete it. It's just spam.

I've got a trial soon at Old Trafford, to see if I'm up to scratch and whether Sir Alex will use me. It really is the biggest day in any young referee's career.

Tony

Little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

I may be an old, sad, decaying man, but I have the body of a fit and healthy 18 year old!

Check in my wardrobe if you don't believe me.

Tony

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more..

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave
because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Wolverhampton and
Cheshire stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year
and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds..

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a Trust fund to guarantee private secondary school education
of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar
stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to
say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:...........

'Well, I just asked my husband how WE could help, and he said,

'Fuck him'.

Three old ladies next to each other on a bench:
"I'm seventy years old, and still do my own shopping by bike. But who knows for how much longer?"
"I'm eighty years old, and I still play tennis every week. But who knows for how much longer?"
"I'm ninety years old, and I'm still a virgin. But who knows for how much longer?"

A surgeon arrives at the gates of heaven. Says St. Peter: "Deliverymen back gate, please"

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
I may be an old, sad, decaying man, but I have the body of a fit and healthy 18 year old!

Check in my wardrobe if you don't believe me.

Tony

I like that one Tony!

Regards,
Michel

Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?
A. Retired

Q.. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped..

Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that?" he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt".

Couple relaxing on the sofa.
Man: "Say something, something that'll give me pain and pleasure at the same time, something that'll make me happy and sad at the same time.."
Woman (thinks for a moment): "You've got a bigger cock than all your mates.."

My wife's new sex toy came in the post today.
I genuinely didn't think it would be that realistic.

Tony

My new neighbour was banging hell out of my door at 2.30 this morning - can you believe it ?
Bloody idiot !!
Luckily, I was still up playing my drums ......

you'll like this.... not a lot

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Real-Magic-Paul-Daniels-Wig-/270693096137?pt=UK_Collectables_MagicTricks_RL&hash=item3f0690dac9

please read some of the questions... answered with tongue firmly in cheek. Some of it is comedy gold.

Can't search the forum anymore so I'm not able to check if the Samantha gags from ISIHAC (BBC Radio 4 I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue) have been posted before. If not, here's a taster ....




As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rosta's recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.

As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.

As is customary, Samantha spent some time down in the gramaphone library earlier, fetching the hit singles she's chosen. She's become quite friendly with the two elderly archivists, Jack and Arthur. They've recently gone part time, so Samantha's come to a working arrangement - she does the paperwork, Arthur gets her 45s out and Jack's off all afternoon.

As is traditional on these occasions, Samantha went along to the gramaphone library earlier to collect the teams' records. It's pitch black down there, so Samantha and the elderly archivist have taken to searching the shelves by candle light, which can be messy, so while Samantha passes down the discs, the nice man holds the ladder while he cleans the dust and wax off in the dark.

Its ironic that i cant seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Meerkat



Tony

I was just sent this , some may like the music, and may even like the video. 

If it works that is.

It's Ed this and David that... those Miliband brothers are always in the news these days.

It's a shame, but we seem all to have forgotten the third brother, who tragically died in a 'plane crash.

Glenn.