Best Jokes (continues)

As my old dad used to say, “The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more”.

Great man, terrible anaesthetist.

Eoink posted:

As my old dad used to say, “The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more”.

Great man, terrible anaesthetist.

A decent joke at last .

I hate a retail sales person who lies to sell their products. I was buying a TV and told the salesperson it had to be American made. The salesman assured me it was. Luckily I noticed on the box that it said, 'Built in Antenna.’ ....I'm not stupid.

tonym posted:

I hate a retail sales person who lies to sell their products. I was buying a TV and told the salesperson it had to be American made. The salesman assured me it was. Luckily I noticed on the box that it said, 'Built in Antenna.’ ....I'm not stupid.

Would or wouldn’t that be American made then?

G

I have just been sacked from ‘Pets at Home ‘ I got caught with my fingers in the Trill.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is very heavy, while the other is a little lighter.

What do a jumbo jet and a peroxide blonde have in common?

 The answer is........ 

They both have a black box.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

Two policemen in Liverpool returned from an incident to find the police car up on bricks. In order to find the culprits, the two officers are working tyrelessly.

Last year, I joined a group for anti-social people.

We haven’t met yet.

A photon checks into a hotel. The concierge asks if he needs help with his luggage. "No thanks", the photon replies, "I'm travelling light".

jjbomber posted:

So that Thai boys football team are trapped and in danger of the cave flooding. It sounds like a perfect time for them to use their subs.

They’re the only football team that don’t know how to dive ????

I phoned the RSPCA and told them that there was a polecat clinging onto my ceiling fan.
They said they didn't believe me.
I said you'll just have to take my whirred ferret.

tonym posted:

I phoned the RSPCA and told them that there was a polecat clinging onto my ceiling fan.
They said they didn't believe me.
I said you'll just have to take my whirred ferret.

You're a real card, aren't you?

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

2 fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says 'So do you know how to drive this?'

Poor Cliff Richard is still getting online abuse,
He’s got himself some spying, talking, tweeting, stalking, living troll.

steve

The best sort.

steve (who is married to a Scot)

Two birds are sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says: “Can you smell fish?”

I went to a friend's funeral yesterday. He drowned at sea.

The family requested that we all wear lifejackets - it's what he would have wanted.

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak. 
That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.

Enjoy the suspense by taking both a laxative and an Imodium tablet and seeing which one kicks in first.

Just don,t start coughing

The other day I asked a friend "what's the best thing to put on a mousetrap?"
He said "WD40". 
I said, "Does that kill them?"
He said, "No, but it stops 'em from squeaking"

WHAT do you call Clarke kent on his way to dinner?

Supperman