Best Jokes (continues)

Two policemen in Liverpool returned from an incident to find the police car up on bricks. In order to find the culprits, the two officers are working tyrelessly.

Last year, I joined a group for anti-social people.

We haven’t met yet.

A photon checks into a hotel. The concierge asks if he needs help with his luggage. "No thanks", the photon replies, "I'm travelling light".

jjbomber posted:

So that Thai boys football team are trapped and in danger of the cave flooding. It sounds like a perfect time for them to use their subs.

They’re the only football team that don’t know how to dive ????

I phoned the RSPCA and told them that there was a polecat clinging onto my ceiling fan.
They said they didn't believe me.
I said you'll just have to take my whirred ferret.

tonym posted:

I phoned the RSPCA and told them that there was a polecat clinging onto my ceiling fan.
They said they didn't believe me.
I said you'll just have to take my whirred ferret.

You're a real card, aren't you?

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

2 fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says 'So do you know how to drive this?'

Poor Cliff Richard is still getting online abuse,
He’s got himself some spying, talking, tweeting, stalking, living troll.

steve

The best sort.

steve (who is married to a Scot)

Two birds are sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says: “Can you smell fish?”

I went to a friend's funeral yesterday. He drowned at sea.

The family requested that we all wear lifejackets - it's what he would have wanted.

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak. 
That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.

Enjoy the suspense by taking both a laxative and an Imodium tablet and seeing which one kicks in first.

Just don,t start coughing

The other day I asked a friend "what's the best thing to put on a mousetrap?"
He said "WD40". 
I said, "Does that kill them?"
He said, "No, but it stops 'em from squeaking"

WHAT do you call Clarke kent on his way to dinner?

Supperman

FOR SALE!

- ancient bottle of Chinese Tipex. It's a corrector’s item.

tonym posted:

FOR SALE!

- ancient bottle of Chinese Tipex. It's a corrector’s item.

Benny Hill would have been proud of that one, Tony

Don't want to jinx the subject but you comedians have made this thread an enjoyable read lately. Always good from time to time but hitting on all cylinders recently.

I was telling my son we got an apple and an orange for Christmas. He replied - “Wow! A computer AND a phone!”

tonym posted:

I was telling my son we got an apple and an orange for Christmas. He replied - “Wow! A computer AND a phone!”

???? Different generations speak different languages.

/Peder???? 

Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

tonym posted:

I was telling my son we got an apple and an orange for Christmas. He replied - “Wow! A computer AND a phone!”

Wow what great pressies.  I remember one Xmas my parents bought me a hoop but I had to wait until next xmas for the stick to push it along with.