Best Jokes (continues)

FOR SALE!

- ancient bottle of Chinese Tipex. It's a corrector’s item.

tonym posted:

FOR SALE!

- ancient bottle of Chinese Tipex. It's a corrector’s item.

Benny Hill would have been proud of that one, Tony

Don't want to jinx the subject but you comedians have made this thread an enjoyable read lately. Always good from time to time but hitting on all cylinders recently.

I was telling my son we got an apple and an orange for Christmas. He replied - “Wow! A computer AND a phone!”

tonym posted:

I was telling my son we got an apple and an orange for Christmas. He replied - “Wow! A computer AND a phone!”

???? Different generations speak different languages.

/Peder???? 

Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, “Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

tonym posted:

I was telling my son we got an apple and an orange for Christmas. He replied - “Wow! A computer AND a phone!”

Wow what great pressies.  I remember one Xmas my parents bought me a hoop but I had to wait until next xmas for the stick to push it along with. 

We used to dream of getting a hoop - all we got were a stick and that were reet small

Beachcomber posted:

We used to dream of getting a hoop - all we got were a stick and that were reet small

Well we had to do 24 hours a day down t'pit which was a 58 mile walk away from t'hovel we t'lived in, we didn't have much t'time to play with t'stick.  My old school still had capital punishment, think it still has!

We 'ad it 'hard but happy days t'though!

I tried saying that first sentence and ended up spitting my teeth out AND I don't wear dentures!   OUCH!

Beachcomber posted:

We used to dream of getting a hoop - all we got were a stick and that were reet small

Looxury.........

Adam Meredith posted:

Big Bill posted:

I remember one Christmas my parents bought me a hoop but I had to wait until next xmas for the stick to push it along with. 

Perhaps I might have been of some assistance - http://www.hulahooping.com/how-to-hoop.html 

I could watch that all day and I think I will tomorrow.  Luvly Jubbly.

Clay Bingham posted:

Don't want to jinx the subject but you comedians have made this thread an enjoyable read lately. Always good from time to time but hitting on all cylinders recently.

We live by this code!

A Practical Guide to being a true Pun Master.

1. Accept that no pun is actually Good, but know that the true nature of a good pun is to be so terrible, that it becomes good.

2. Say every pun that occurs to you. It cannot be overstated, as to how important this rule is, as sometimes the most well received puns are the ones that you considered not saying.

3. ALWAYS laugh at your own pun, even if no-one else is (Especially, if no-one else is). 

4. Know that you are Hilarious. Puns are a limitless resource and you have taken it as your duty to bring this gift to mankind.

You are a hero.

Try telling a pun to a kleptomaniac,  they always take things literally.

So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word Apocalypse?

It’s not the end of the world!

Nan had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up when my Granddad had gone into this home. I said “How's he getting on in the home?” She said 'like a fish out of water’, I said ‘Is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘No, he’s dead’.”

tonym posted:

Nan had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up when my Granddad had gone into this home. I said “How's he getting on in the home?” She said 'like a fish out of water’, I said ‘Is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘No, he’s dead’.”

I want to die like my grandad. Peacefully in my sleep, not shouting and screaming like the passengers in his bus.     (Bob Monkhouse)

A woman weightlifter goes to the doctor's -

"I've been taking steroids and now I've grown a penis"

"Anabolic?” asks Doctor.

"No, just a penis".

My gran has just had a stairlift installed in her house. It's driving her up the wall.

News flash: an Indian builder has fallen through the roof at a Lionel Richie concert.

Took my mother-in-law out last night.

Loving my new sniper rifle.

Congratulations to Tour de France winner Geraint Thomas, the greatest welsh rider since Imogen Thomas on Ryan Giggs.

Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!

After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.