Best Jokes (continues)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs

My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence

A scene of modern Britain played out on a rail replacement bus service in Newport yesterday. A woman wearing a Niqab was chatting to her son in another language. After five minutes, a man suddenly snapped: "If you're in the uk, you should speak English."   At this, another passenger turned around and explained:" We're in Wales and she's speaking Welsh."

Interviewer: Describe yourself in three words.

Applicant: Very bad at maths.

Man in a chemist: Ten Durex, please, miss.

Middle-aged chemist: Don't 'miss' me, young man.

Man: Ok then, make it eleven.

MDS posted:

Man in a chemist: Ten Durex, please, miss.

Middle-aged chemist: Don't 'miss' me, young man.

Man: Ok then, make it eleven.

The great Jimmy Jones from 1970-ish. He's playing Great Yarmouth on Saturday. To continue the joke in cleaned up form..

''Pack of 11 will be £6 + tax''.

''Never mind the tacks, I'll tie them on.

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

If so, you could be entitled to compensation for personal Ian Dury.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg!

I've just been conned into buying some counterfeit Mr Kipling's Bakewell Tarts. In my defence, they are exceedingly good fakes.

Tony , we may have to put out a reward soon “wanted dead or alive” you seem to be on a good roll

Gazza

Apostrophes can sometimes completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example...

I like to eat hamburgers.
I like to eat apostrophes.

FACT: All castles have one major weakness - the enemy can get in through the gift shop.

A boss asked an employee if he believed in life after death. “Why do you want to know?” asked the employee. The boss replied, “Because while you were at your grandmother’s funeral, she popped in to see you.”

My car broke down so I lifted the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. The bat said "Hello. You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too". I thought - I can see the problem now. Bat flattery.

A man is walking past a pet shop when the owner pops his head out of the door and asks the man if he would like a good deal on a Centipede.

"Why is it a good deal ? " asks the man, "Because it can talk" says the shop owner. Thinking he is onto a good one the man buys the Centipede for £10 and goes home.

When he arrives home the man shows the Centipede to his wife who isn't very impressed so he asks the Centipede to say something. Absolute silence. The man asks the Centipede for a second and then third time to say something. Again, absolute silence.

"Right that's it, I'm off down the pub,  are you coming with me?" he asks the Centipede. Again silence.

"I said, ARE YOU COMING WITH ME !! ? "

"Hang on a minute will you  " says the Centipede, "I'm putting my shoes on".

Has anyone else noticed how Formula 1 drivers are named after places in Scotland. There is Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton and, of course, the legendary Brazilian, Ayr Town Centre.

Nikki Lauder ...

Dozey posted:

 Lauder ...

.....   sorry,  can you say that again.   ......  no still didn't get it  .....  err, no sorry,  can you speak up a bit please.   

I went to buy some bolts in my local hardware shop.
Chap asked; "How long do you want them?"
I said "I was hoping to keep them."

My all-time favourite is classic Tommy Cooper:

"I was cleaning out the loft with the wife the other day. Dirty, filthy, covered in cobwebs but she's good with the kids"

A man calls the Police to inform them his wife has died. An officer goes round to the man's house and says "my deepest sympathies sir". "When did you notice your wife has passed away?"

The man replies, "well the sex was the same but the dishes were piling up in the kitchen"

Flippen eck - live on Tony Blackburn!!!!!