Best Jokes (continues)

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

If so, you could be entitled to compensation for personal Ian Dury.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg!

I've just been conned into buying some counterfeit Mr Kipling's Bakewell Tarts. In my defence, they are exceedingly good fakes.

Tony , we may have to put out a reward soon “wanted dead or alive” you seem to be on a good roll

Gazza

Apostrophes can sometimes completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example...

I like to eat hamburgers.
I like to eat apostrophes.

FACT: All castles have one major weakness - the enemy can get in through the gift shop.

A boss asked an employee if he believed in life after death. “Why do you want to know?” asked the employee. The boss replied, “Because while you were at your grandmother’s funeral, she popped in to see you.”

My car broke down so I lifted the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. The bat said "Hello. You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too". I thought - I can see the problem now. Bat flattery.

A man is walking past a pet shop when the owner pops his head out of the door and asks the man if he would like a good deal on a Centipede.

"Why is it a good deal ? " asks the man, "Because it can talk" says the shop owner. Thinking he is onto a good one the man buys the Centipede for £10 and goes home.

When he arrives home the man shows the Centipede to his wife who isn't very impressed so he asks the Centipede to say something. Absolute silence. The man asks the Centipede for a second and then third time to say something. Again, absolute silence.

"Right that's it, I'm off down the pub,  are you coming with me?" he asks the Centipede. Again silence.

"I said, ARE YOU COMING WITH ME !! ? "

"Hang on a minute will you  " says the Centipede, "I'm putting my shoes on".

Has anyone else noticed how Formula 1 drivers are named after places in Scotland. There is Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton and, of course, the legendary Brazilian, Ayr Town Centre.

Nikki Lauder ...

Dozey posted:

 Lauder ...

.....   sorry,  can you say that again.   ......  no still didn't get it  .....  err, no sorry,  can you speak up a bit please.   

I went to buy some bolts in my local hardware shop.
Chap asked; "How long do you want them?"
I said "I was hoping to keep them."

My all-time favourite is classic Tommy Cooper:

"I was cleaning out the loft with the wife the other day. Dirty, filthy, covered in cobwebs but she's good with the kids"

A man calls the Police to inform them his wife has died. An officer goes round to the man's house and says "my deepest sympathies sir". "When did you notice your wife has passed away?"

The man replies, "well the sex was the same but the dishes were piling up in the kitchen"

Flippen eck - live on Tony Blackburn!!!!!

Lonely hearts advert.
Man with premature ejaculation problems,
Seeks woman with blonde hair, Big ti....
Oh...Doesn't matter.

tonym posted:

Lonely hearts advert.
Man with premature ejaculation problems,
Seeks woman with blonde hair, Big ti....
Oh...Doesn't matter.

Wow!  He got further than me!

I recently joined the 'Owning Up to Flatulence Club'. … It's not for the 'ain't farted'.

tonym posted:

I recently joined the 'Owning Up to Flatulence Club'. … It's not for the 'ain't farted'.

Love that one Tony's, my ribs are hurting !

The Parker Solar Probe takes off tomorrow afternoon. It is designed to withstand a temperature of 1,300C in order to get within 4 million miles of the Sun. There again, if it went at night time it could probably land. 

My wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday.

I don't know how, I didn't even know it was her birthday!

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.