Best Jokes (continues)

The X-Factor is all about sob stories these days. If I walked on there with no legs, I’d win hands down.

jjbomber posted:

An american goes on holiday to London. He takes the taxi from Heathrow and taps the driver on the shoulder ''You know in America we have stretch limousines 10 times the size of your taxis.''

For lunch, he stops at a restaurant, He calls the waitress over. ''You know in America we have steaks 10 times the size of your burgers.''

While out sightseeing, he stops a local on the street. ''You know in America we have buildings 10 times the size of yours.'' The local nods his head. ''I'm not surprised,'' says the local, ''that's the lunatic asylum''.

You know there's an Australian version of this joke...

Texan comes to Australia and takes a guided tour. Is shown the Sydney Harbour Bridge and drawls 'Big deal, our bridges in Texas are 10 times the size of that'. Shown Uluru (Ayers Rock for the un-PC) Texan says 'It's just a pebble, we have rocks 10 times the size of that in Texas.' Just then a kangaroo bounds past. drawls the Texan ' i have to admit though, your grasshoppers are a tad bigger than ours...'

I'll get my coat...

regards,

Giles

Stevie Wonder got a present of a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’d ever read! 

Dad cooks deer for dinner one evening but doesn't tell the kids what it is in case they say they don't like it.

One of them asks what is it and he says?

It is what Mommy calls me.

The eldest one shouts out it is Dick don't eat it.

I'm not putting that one on FB.

The ending of British Summer Time is bad news for dyslexics. At 2am, all their cocks went black.

This is not a joke, this just happened.

I am sitting there bopping away to Art Pepper and I can't believe how good it is.  This is gotta be a favourite, so I touch the star on Tidal.  Screen blinks, no filled-in star...  Really?  Touch it again, and again....  Oh no, not the app playing up... I thought that was all in the past.  After a few more attempts I wonder why it says 'All Photos' at the top of the screen... Doh, I have just posted this album/screenshot on this forum... I was trying to 'favourite' the JPG!

It wasn't even the right track from the album. 

WHAT do you call a duck that loves Bonfire night?

A firequacker .

On the subject of ducks:

What do you call a cat that’s swallowed a duck?

A duck filled fatty puss. 

One for the children....

hungryhalibut posted:

On the subject of ducks:

What do you call a cat that’s swallowed a duck?

A duck filled fatty puss. 

One for the children....

...and I suspect to be found in Xmas crackers.  But then I quite like those lame but comfortable jokes   

Kevin-W posted:

They're appearing 40 miles from here.  That should be far enough to hear them, unless the wind is in the wrong direction - and that's not what I really really want

Haim Ronen posted:

...and $100,000 for punctuation.

There were five kids in our house when I was growing up.

Never slept on my own 'till I got married.

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday.

Never again.

dave marshall posted:

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday.

Never again.

I've just come back from an Around the World holiday. I'm going somewhere different next year.

A burglar breaks into a house one night and as he is about to steal a nice naim audio system he hears a voice in the dark say,

“Jesus is watching you”

Being scared, the burglar stops and listens.

After a few seconds he thinks the voice was his imagination and reaches for the naim audio system again.

But again he hears a voice saying; “Jesus is watching you”

In shock the burglar switches on his torch and shines it around the room to see where the voice is coming from.

In the corner of the room he sees a Parrot sitting in a cage, “Did you say that ?” asked the burglar.

"Yes, I did", said the parrot,  "because I only wanted to warn you that  Jesus is watching you”

"Oh yeah", said the burglar laughing, "and what’s your name" ?

”Moses” replied the parrot.

"Are you joking?" said the burglar, "what kind of people call their parrot Moses ?”

The parrot looked at him and said," the same kind of people who call their Rottweiler Jesus" !

steve

How do you know that your wife is dead.

The sex is the same but the washing is piling up at the sink.