Did you hear about the author who was convicted of refusing to use punctuation?
He received a very long sentence.
Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 23 January 2011 by steve woodmansey
Or Steve who sang The Joker in the 70's 
Posted on: 23 January 2011 by GraemeH
Humph, Jazz & Scunthorpe: If you Google 'Jazz in Scunthorpe' it returns this -
The "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" team of Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor, in the company of their esteemed chairman Humphrey Lyttelton, have been recording their BBC radio show around the UK for longer than any of them can remember...that's about week - or twenty minutes in the case of Barry Cryer. At each venue Humph would present a short history of the location, written by Iain Pattinson, to the mutual delight of the audience, the team and their delightful scorer Samantha (who somehow always found time for a rewarding poke in the area's back streets).We are privileged to present, in gazetteer form, the very best of Humph's local histories from Radio 4's multi award-winning 'antidote to panel games'. As accurate as Wikipedia and as comprehensive as "Reader's Digest", this unique guide tells you everything you never knew you wouldn't ever need to know about the background and inhabitants of Britain's most prominent towns and cities. The intelligent reader will waste no time in adding it to their collection.It was from Bristol in 1497 that John Cabot set off to find a new route to the Spice Islands by sailing north-west. He instead discovered a strange, hostile world which he named 'Newfoundland', until the natives explained that they actually called it 'Swansea'. Nottingham - It's well documented in official records that the city's original name was 'Snottingham' or 'home of Snotts', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the initial letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe. Brighton - A settlement is first recorded in Brighton as long as ago as 3000BC, when Celtic Druids practised their ancient worship of oaks, mistletoe and virgins, and indeed, oaks and mistletoe are still plentiful in Brighton.
I couldn't resist trying it on the 'decency' filter.Posted on: 24 January 2011 by Steve O
I was on a train the other day when this stunningly gorgeous Thai girl came and sat opposite me.
I was thinking to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.
I was thinking to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.
Posted on: 25 January 2011 by Wee Man 69
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit.
Posted on: 26 January 2011 by Reginald Halliday
A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for ?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the life out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"
The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for ?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the life out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"
Posted on: 01 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
My iPhone wouldn't connect to Itunes earlier.
Left me with a horrible syncing feeling
Left me with a horrible syncing feeling
Posted on: 03 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
There's a girl at work who has been on my radar for a while. It's making my job as an air traffic controller impossible.
Posted on: 04 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Stephen Hawking rolls into a bar and gets in a fight with a massive black guy. It's terribly one-sided and over in a flash. Audley didn't stand a chance.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 05 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I'm 6ft 4, and just banged my head on a low bridge. I'd have been ok if viaduct!
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 05 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
When I was a boy, my Mother would send me down to a corner shop with £1, and i'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras.
Tony
You can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras.
Tony
Posted on: 05 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
BBC NEWS: BORDER CLASH KILLS THAI SOLDIER.
That is why we let women do the interior designing in the UK.
Tony
That is why we let women do the interior designing in the UK.
Tony
Posted on: 06 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 06 February 2011 by Conortsun
Arsenal Dog-walkers. Call the free hotline 0800 40 41 42 43 44 for advice about holding onto your lead.
Posted on: 06 February 2011 by Paper Plane
"Arsenal Dog-walkers. Call the free hotline 0800 40 41 42 43 44 for advice about holding onto your lead."
He, he, he.
steve (Spurs supporter)
He, he, he.
steve (Spurs supporter)
Posted on: 06 February 2011 by Lloydy
Reference:
Arsenal Dog-walkers. Call the free hotline 0800 40 41 42 43 44 for advice about holding onto your lead.
(Arsenal supporter!)Posted on: 06 February 2011 by Reginald Halliday
The British Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar*eholes in
London ...
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar*eholes in
London ...
Posted on: 07 February 2011 by PJT
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Posted on: 09 February 2011 by roger poll
During a dinner party friends were discussing the names they gave their pets. So John, "why did you call your cat Cooking Fat". Well, said John, "I was carrying this tray of drinks and the cat ran straight in front of me tripping me up and smashing everything, and the name just stuck".
Posted on: 09 February 2011 by tonym
I recently hired an Eastern European cleaner. After it took her 5 hours to hoover the house I discovered she was a Slovak.
Posted on: 10 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Sad.
Posted on: 12 February 2011 by Reginald Halliday
Posted on: 15 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I was insuring my car earlier on today on the gocompare website. After I'd filled in my details, they asked, 'Where did you hear about us?'
They must be bloody joking right?
Posted on: 15 February 2011 by Paper Plane
I hear that there's going to be a Bollywood version of that US college musical programme.
It's to be called Ghee....
steve
It's to be called Ghee....
steve
Posted on: 15 February 2011 by Sniper
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 times as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb.
Posted on: 16 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
It's FA Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first football match we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."