Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Man: "Say something, something that'll give me pain and pleasure at the same time, something that'll make me happy and sad at the same time.."
Woman (thinks for a moment): "You've got a bigger cock than all your mates.."
I genuinely didn't think it would be that realistic.
Tony
Bloody idiot !!
Luckily, I was still up playing my drums ......
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Real-Magic-Paul-Daniels-Wig-/270693096137?pt=UK_Collectables_MagicTricks_RL&hash=item3f0690dac9
please read some of the questions... answered with tongue firmly in cheek. Some of it is comedy gold.
As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rosta's recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.
As is customary, record researcher Samantha made her regular visit to the gramaphone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her couple of crackers held out and pants around her ankles.
As is customary, Samantha spent some time down in the gramaphone library earlier, fetching the hit singles she's chosen. She's become quite friendly with the two elderly archivists, Jack and Arthur. They've recently gone part time, so Samantha's come to a working arrangement - she does the paperwork, Arthur gets her 45s out and Jack's off all afternoon.
As is traditional on these occasions, Samantha went along to the gramaphone library earlier to collect the teams' records. It's pitch black down there, so Samantha and the elderly archivist have taken to searching the shelves by candle light, which can be messy, so while Samantha passes down the discs, the nice man holds the ladder while he cleans the dust and wax off in the dark.
Tony
If it works that is.
A. Clever dick
It's a shame, but we seem all to have forgotten the third brother, who tragically died in a 'plane crash.
Glenn.
The "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" team of Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor, in the company of their esteemed chairman Humphrey Lyttelton, have been recording their BBC radio show around the UK for longer than any of them can remember...that's about week - or twenty minutes in the case of Barry Cryer. At each venue Humph would present a short history of the location, written by Iain Pattinson, to the mutual delight of the audience, the team and their delightful scorer Samantha (who somehow always found time for a rewarding poke in the area's back streets).We are privileged to present, in gazetteer form, the very best of Humph's local histories from Radio 4's multi award-winning 'antidote to panel games'. As accurate as Wikipedia and as comprehensive as "Reader's Digest", this unique guide tells you everything you never knew you wouldn't ever need to know about the background and inhabitants of Britain's most prominent towns and cities. The intelligent reader will waste no time in adding it to their collection.It was from Bristol in 1497 that John Cabot set off to find a new route to the Spice Islands by sailing north-west. He instead discovered a strange, hostile world which he named 'Newfoundland', until the natives explained that they actually called it 'Swansea'. Nottingham - It's well documented in official records that the city's original name was 'Snottingham' or 'home of Snotts', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the initial letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe. Brighton - A settlement is first recorded in Brighton as long as ago as 3000BC, when Celtic Druids practised their ancient worship of oaks, mistletoe and virgins, and indeed, oaks and mistletoe are still plentiful in Brighton.
I couldn't resist trying it on the 'decency' filter.I was thinking to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection".
But she did.
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit.
The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for ?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the life out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"
Left me with a horrible syncing feeling
Tony
Tony
You can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras.
Tony
That is why we let women do the interior designing in the UK.
Tony
He, he, he.
steve (Spurs supporter)
(Arsenal supporter!)