Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 06 February 2011 by Reginald Halliday
The British Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar*eholes in
London ...
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar*eholes in
London ...
Posted on: 07 February 2011 by PJT
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Posted on: 09 February 2011 by roger poll
During a dinner party friends were discussing the names they gave their pets. So John, "why did you call your cat Cooking Fat". Well, said John, "I was carrying this tray of drinks and the cat ran straight in front of me tripping me up and smashing everything, and the name just stuck".
Posted on: 09 February 2011 by tonym
I recently hired an Eastern European cleaner. After it took her 5 hours to hoover the house I discovered she was a Slovak.
Posted on: 10 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Sad.
Posted on: 12 February 2011 by Reginald Halliday
Posted on: 15 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I was insuring my car earlier on today on the gocompare website. After I'd filled in my details, they asked, 'Where did you hear about us?'
They must be bloody joking right?
Posted on: 15 February 2011 by Paper Plane
I hear that there's going to be a Bollywood version of that US college musical programme.
It's to be called Ghee....
steve
It's to be called Ghee....
steve
Posted on: 15 February 2011 by Sniper
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 times as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb.
Posted on: 16 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
It's FA Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first football match we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."
Posted on: 16 February 2011 by Blueknowz
A Vicar stayed in a hotel for the night and told the receptionist;
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled..."
To which she bluntly replied; "No its normal porn you sick f**k!"
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled..."
To which she bluntly replied; "No its normal porn you sick f**k!"
Posted on: 17 February 2011 by roger poll
Two monocles are arrested for making a spectacle of themselves.
Posted on: 18 February 2011 by tonym
I saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
Posted on: 18 February 2011 by BigH47
Posted on: 18 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
From Einstein:
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
Posted on: 19 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
My wife caught me masturbating over an optical illusion. I said "It's not what it looks like!"
Posted on: 20 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
My wife came out with a stupid statement today: "The pen is mightier than the sword."
Needless to say, I proved her wrong.
Posted on: 21 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I went outside tonight and looked up at the stars. It made me feel so insignificant.
But everything does. I have depression.
Tony
Posted on: 22 February 2011 by roger poll
Chap goes into the bedroom where his wife is doing her yoga exercises in the nude."Have you seen my specs," he asks, "and by the way why don't you comb your hair and put your teeth in.
Posted on: 22 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"
My late wife said.
My late wife said.
Posted on: 24 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
My grandad just phoned me and said "Where are you?" I said "I'm in a strip club, getting drunk and snorting cocaine, why?" He said "I think somebody has stolen my wallet". I said, "Don't be stupid, who would steal £185.57 from an old man?"
Posted on: 24 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle. Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your tiny penis, hey, lad?" A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him. What a hypocrite, he seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.
Posted on: 25 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I stole Stephen Hawking's keyboard......he was speechless.
Posted on: 26 February 2011 by Tony Lockhart
After many years of searching I've finally found a rock that's exactly 1.6 kilometres long. What a milestone.
Posted on: 26 February 2011 by tonym
A couple ready to settle down are out to dinner. They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the man says, "So once we are married, how often would you like sex?"
"I would like it infrequently" the woman replies. The man sits quietly for a moment, then asks the woman,
" Is that one word or two?"
Finally, the man says, "So once we are married, how often would you like sex?"
"I would like it infrequently" the woman replies. The man sits quietly for a moment, then asks the woman,
" Is that one word or two?"