Best Jokes (continues)

A Vicar stayed in a hotel for the night and told the receptionist;

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled..."

To which she bluntly replied; "No its normal porn you sick f**k!"

Two monocles are arrested for making a spectacle of themselves.

I saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.   

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C," he said.

"What, cancer?"

"No, dyslexia."

From Einstein: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

My wife caught me masturbating over an optical illusion. I said "It's not what it looks like!"

My wife came out with a stupid statement today: "The pen is mightier than the sword." Needless to say, I proved her wrong.

I went outside tonight and looked up at the stars. It made me feel so insignificant. But everything does. I have depression. Tony

Chap goes into the bedroom where his wife is doing her yoga exercises in the nude."Have you seen my specs," he asks, "and by the way why don't you comb your hair and put your teeth in.

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"



My late wife said.

My grandad just phoned me and said "Where are you?" I said "I'm in a strip club, getting drunk and snorting cocaine, why?" He said "I think somebody has stolen my wallet". I said, "Don't be stupid, who would steal £185.57 from an old man?"

I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle. Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your tiny penis, hey, lad?" A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him. What a hypocrite, he seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

I stole Stephen Hawking's keyboard......he was speechless.

After many years of searching I've finally found a rock that's exactly 1.6 kilometres long. What a milestone.

A couple ready to settle down are out to dinner. They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the man says, "So once we are married, how often would you like sex?"
"I would like it infrequently" the woman replies. The man sits quietly for a moment, then asks the woman,
" Is that one word or two?"

After years of stealing bikes the culprit is finally arrested. When asked what he had done with them all he replied, "I've just recycled them all".

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

She wasn't that sophisticated when I met her, she thought coq au vin was sex in a transit.

Cheers,
OW

Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal before Gaddafi could even get a word in.

A bloke I was talking to claimed that the temperature of his balls was - 273 degrees centigrade

Absolute bollocks if you ask me

Naked girl standing in front of mirror & says to her fella "I look fat and ugly, now pay me a compliment". Her fella says you're eyesight is f**king spot on luv.

The wife said to me, "If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?" I thought. You're not catching me out with yer trick questions. So I said, "I'm looking at her right now". She said, "Really?!" "Your the only one for me, my sweet". ... I also thought. With the blow job I'll receive in gratitude from that compliment. I'll be thinking its Nigella Lawson doing the noshing.... Get in

Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium.
The stadium was packed with only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral." 

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Van der Merwe bought a new sunday best shirt for the first time in 5 years
On the first day it was worn it got torn where the arm joins the bodice.
"Ach" he says to his neighbour Wessels,  "look at that, its just new & its ripped already"     
"No problem" he replies,  "just get a needle and run a line of perforations along the ends of the tear"
"What good will that do?" Van ask's
"Just like South African toilet paper,  it will never tear along the perforation"

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Van der Merwe goes to the railway station, and at the ticket office asks: "A return ticket please."
Ticket man: "Where to please?"
Van: "Back here, of course!"

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Van der Merwe picks up the phone & calls the police  
"Hello, is this SAP?" 
"e-yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Fanie van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga inside his firewood."
"e-yes ... Tank you ser for your co-opershun and informashun in combatting dis crime and violence in our society - ser"
The next day, the cops descended on mass to Fanie's house. They search the braai lapa where the wood is kept. They chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Fanie and leave.
Van's neighbour Wessels had been watching all this over the fence, 
"Hey, Fanie! why did the SAP come?"
"To chop my firewood?"