Best Jokes (continues)

No More Headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they've gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "My friend referred me to a hypnotist, and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache...' It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years..Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move,I'll be right back." He
goes into the bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."

His funeral services will be held on ...

_____

Sent me earlier by my Aunt. I smiled anyway...

ATB from George.

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Howard! Brilliant! George

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said "Unfortunately, theres only one space in Heaven today
so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her
top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty,
Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever
and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you
may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What the hell was that all
about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and
she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me!!?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are

How is the intro in heavy metal music called?
Lead-in!

an eskimos car breaks down, so he calls the RAC to come out.

The RAC arrives, takes one look and says "looks like you've blown a seal"

Eskimo replies "no I haven't, it's just a bit of frost on my upper lip"

thank you, and goodnight.

I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

Have you heard of the new Viagra with added Valium?

I you don't get a ****, you don't give a ****!

ATB from George

A Polar Bear walks into a pub and says 'I'll have a gin .........................and tonic'. Bartender says 'why the big pause'.

Polar Bear says 'My Mums got them and My Dads got them, I've always had them'.

What's the difference between a sperm cell and an attorney /

The sperm cell has at least a one in a million chance of developing into a human being.

A man walks into a bar, orders 5 large Tequilla Slammers & starts knocking them back one after the other.
The barman says to him..'I hope you don't mind me asking, but what's the special occasion?'
The man says..'My first bl*wj*b'
'Congratulations' says the barman..'Have another double on the house'
'No thanks' says the man..
'If five won't take the taste away, I don't think another will help'

Man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ..."

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?



"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Regards
Richard S

Richard,

Brilliant!

A duck wanders into a bar and goes up to the counter. The barman looks over at the duck, who incredibly, starts talking - "Hello barman, please can I have a gin and tonic?"

The barman, amazed, pours the duck out a drink. "I've never seen you in here before, where have you come from?" says the barman.

"Actually, I'm new to this area, so I thought I'd pop in for a quick one. Incidentally, I'm looking for work locally so if you know of anything going I'd be very grateful"

The barman replied he didn't know of any jobs going at the moment, but would see what he could do. If the duck would like to pop back, say tomorrow?

The duck thanked the barman, finished his drink and waddled out.

The following day, the duck appeared at the pub. "You're in luck!" said the barman "you don't seem to realise what an astonishing creature you are! I contacted Billy Smart of Smart's Circus who just happened to be in the area, and he'd be delighted to take you on!"

"Really!" Said the duck. "That's very interesting but...what would a circus want with a plasterer?"

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the cashout, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the checkout for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Till 5.

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a
live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...



'Mop and bucket, Till 5


Beano

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Im a schitzophrenic
And so am I

Courtesy of the excellent Jon Raitt on BBC Radio Northampton:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?


Put him in the microwave until he's Bill Withers.

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a
word.
So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the
corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...





Naked.

Apologies in advance....

There are three sisters, Annie, Sammy and Fanny who all have incredibly large feet, though Fanny's feet are a good two sizes larger than her siblings. One night Annie and Sammy are out on a double date. One of the guys is discreetly eyeing up Sammys long legs. He eyes wander down past her short skirt and down her lithe legs until he clocks her feet. Being rather well lubricated he blurts out "Jeezus, your feet are huge". He looks at Annie's feet and shouts "Yours too!". Sammy smiles at him and says "If you think they're big you should see our Fanny's!"

What did the Welshman say to the newly-sheared sheep?


"Get yer coat, you're pulled"

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, g*y nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.




Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Well done Robin!

Thank you Batman!!