Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 15 March 2011 by staffy
Originally Posted by Chris Kelly:
YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food
court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would
look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had
enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.
Thats the best one so far......brill
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food
court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would
look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had
enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.
Thats the best one so far......brill
Posted on: 17 March 2011 by tonym
A man fell asleep on the beach in Florida for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied,
'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied,
'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Posted on: 17 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I bet the Japanese still sort out their pot holes before we do.
Posted on: 18 March 2011 by Mike-B
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I bet the Japanese still sort out their pot holes before we do.
Posted on: 18 March 2011 by Blueknowz
Not Funny !
Posted on: 18 March 2011 by tonym
I expect they will! 
Posted on: 19 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
A mate of mine walked into the pub with a fish on his head. The fish was positioned quite high on his head with its broad tail hanging down the back of his neck like a curtain. "Evening Dave." I said, "Nice mullet."
Posted on: 19 March 2011 by full ahead
My Dad was kicked to death at the pub last night.
He tripped over while leading the conga.
He tripped over while leading the conga.
Posted on: 19 March 2011 by Paper Plane
Q: What do you call a punk rock gardener?
A: Joe Strimmer
steve
A: Joe Strimmer
steve
Posted on: 19 March 2011 by tonym
I have friends who swear they dream in colour, but I reckon its just a pigment of their imagination.
Posted on: 19 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
With comic relief being on iPlayer, I can choose the bits I actually want to watch.
None of it.
None of it.
Posted on: 20 March 2011 by tonym
Steer clear of the new Asda dating service. If you're not careful, you'll end up with a bag for life.
Posted on: 20 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
The night before last the wife fell asleep in the bath and left the hot water running. It's a good job she had her mouth open or else the tub would have overflowed.
Posted on: 20 March 2011 by Hook
Old Chinese Proverb:
If you are in a book store, and you cannot find the book for which you search, then you are obviously in the....
If you are in a book store, and you cannot find the book for which you search, then you are obviously in the....
Posted on: 22 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Can't we just release volcanic ash into Libyan airspace to enforce the no-fly zone?
Posted on: 23 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Me and my mate were in the pub the other night and he told me he had a little party trick where he could take a teste out of his scrotum without feeling any pain. I shook my head in disbelief and bet him a tenner he couldn't.
Well, he certainly pulled that one out of the bag.
Posted on: 23 March 2011 by BigH47
I bought shares in an underwear factory today.
It's good to have a vested interest . . .
I just heard the Flintstones have been exported to the middle east.
Qatar don't like it but Abu Dhabi do . . .
It's good to have a vested interest . . .
I just heard the Flintstones have been exported to the middle east.
Qatar don't like it but Abu Dhabi do . . .
Posted on: 24 March 2011 by BigH47
Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
Posted on: 25 March 2011 by Mike-B
It was spelt by the DNA - national dyslexic association
Posted on: 25 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I've treated My wife to a weekend spa break. Five bloody grand it's costing me. Well, that's including the hookers and coke while she's gone.
Posted on: 26 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
To help save energy I turned off the heating as I left work yesterday. Needless to say, I'm now unemployed and Colchester zoo no longer has a reptile house.
Posted on: 28 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I'm with the government when it comes to solving this country's problems. I haven't got a bleeding clue either.
Posted on: 30 March 2011 by Tony Lockhart
The wife keeps breaking the washing machine so I've had to get rid of her. Washing machines last longer with cow gone.
Posted on: 31 March 2011 by tonym
Christopher Columbus was the first consultant: when he began his journey, he didn't know where he was going. When he arrived at his destination, he didn't know where he was. And he returned to his client to ask for more money to do it all over again.
Posted on: 31 March 2011 by BigH47
I don't believe in superstition, it just brings bad luck!