Best Jokes (continues)

After years of stealing bikes the culprit is finally arrested. When asked what he had done with them all he replied, "I've just recycled them all".

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

She wasn't that sophisticated when I met her, she thought coq au vin was sex in a transit.

Cheers,
OW

Apparently Tony Blair has called Colonel Gaddafi personally to ask him to stand down. The delusional lunatic went on for ten minutes about not being a war criminal before Gaddafi could even get a word in.

A bloke I was talking to claimed that the temperature of his balls was - 273 degrees centigrade

Absolute bollocks if you ask me

Naked girl standing in front of mirror & says to her fella "I look fat and ugly, now pay me a compliment". Her fella says you're eyesight is f**king spot on luv.

The wife said to me, "If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?" I thought. You're not catching me out with yer trick questions. So I said, "I'm looking at her right now". She said, "Really?!" "Your the only one for me, my sweet". ... I also thought. With the blow job I'll receive in gratitude from that compliment. I'll be thinking its Nigella Lawson doing the noshing.... Get in

Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium.
The stadium was packed with only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral." 

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Van der Merwe bought a new sunday best shirt for the first time in 5 years
On the first day it was worn it got torn where the arm joins the bodice.
"Ach" he says to his neighbour Wessels,  "look at that, its just new & its ripped already"     
"No problem" he replies,  "just get a needle and run a line of perforations along the ends of the tear"
"What good will that do?" Van ask's
"Just like South African toilet paper,  it will never tear along the perforation"

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Van der Merwe goes to the railway station, and at the ticket office asks: "A return ticket please."
Ticket man: "Where to please?"
Van: "Back here, of course!"

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Van der Merwe picks up the phone & calls the police  
"Hello, is this SAP?" 
"e-yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Fanie van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga inside his firewood."
"e-yes ... Tank you ser for your co-opershun and informashun in combatting dis crime and violence in our society - ser"
The next day, the cops descended on mass to Fanie's house. They search the braai lapa where the wood is kept. They chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Fanie and leave.
Van's neighbour Wessels had been watching all this over the fence, 
"Hey, Fanie! why did the SAP come?"
"To chop my firewood?"

A man fell asleep on the beach in Florida for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 

'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

I bet the Japanese still sort out their pot holes before we do.

Not Funny !

I expect they will! 

A mate of mine walked into the pub with a fish on his head. The fish was positioned quite high on his head with its broad tail hanging down the back of his neck like a curtain. "Evening Dave." I said, "Nice mullet."

My Dad was kicked to death at the pub last night.
He tripped over while leading the conga.

Q: What do you call a punk rock gardener?

A: Joe Strimmer


steve

With comic relief being on iPlayer, I can choose the bits I actually want to watch.



None of it.

Steer clear of the new Asda dating service. If you're not careful, you'll end up with a bag for life.

The night before last the wife fell asleep in the bath and left the hot water running. It's a good job she had her mouth open or else the tub would have overflowed.

Old Chinese Proverb:

If you are in a book store, and you cannot find the book for which you search, then you are obviously in the....

Can't we just release volcanic ash into Libyan airspace to enforce the no-fly zone?