Best Jokes (continues)

Christopher Columbus was the first consultant: when he began his journey, he didn't know where he was going. When he arrived at his destination, he didn't know where he was. And he returned to his client to ask for more money to do it all over again.

I don't believe in superstition,   it just brings bad luck!

I'm not superstitious either, touch wood.

Be precise please!

I've just dumped my Japanese girlfriend. I realised she was faking her origami.

You crease me up Tony, I'm sure she'll be fine once she gets back to her fold in Japan.

Dear Mr. Cameron, 

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England's economy. 

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the 

money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. 

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: 

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. 

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 

1) They MUST retire. 

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed 

2) They MUST buy a new British car. 

Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - 

Housing Crisis fixed 

4) They MUST send their kids toschool/college/university - 

Crime rate fixed 

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... 

and there's your money back in duty/tax etc 

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to 

reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down. 

It can't get any easier than that! 

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances 

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. 

If not, please disregard. 

Grumpies of the World Unite 

My Pilates class is rubbish. There’s no sword fighting & I get odd looks when I put on my eye patch . . .

Why things are out of reach is  beyond me! 

Q. What kind of exercise does Johnny Depp do?

A. Pilates of the Caribbean.

Q What kind of excerice does Keira Knightly do?

A. Pilates of the Caribbean II

Nerd Overpopulation

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."