Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I'm not superstitious either, touch wood.
Be precise please!
I've just dumped my Japanese girlfriend. I realised she was faking her origami.
You crease me up Tony, I'm sure she'll be fine once she gets back to her fold in Japan.
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing England's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids toschool/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc
6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to
reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard.
Grumpies of the World Unite
Grumpies of the World Unite
Loada bolloxs
Fire the lot
Bring back the lash
Thanks BigH It nearly made me smile, she-ite I must be going soft.
My Pilates class is rubbish. There’s no sword fighting & I get odd looks when I put on my eye patch . . .
Why things are out of reach is beyond me!
Q. What kind of exercise does Johnny Depp do?
A. Pilates of the Caribbean.
Q What kind of excerice does Keira Knightly do?
A. Pilates of the Caribbean II
Nerd Overpopulation
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."
The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
I enjoyed Aaron Copland's 'Fanfare for the common man' played in the Aintree parade ring before last Saturday's Grand National.
Apt, I thought. You don't get much more common than scousers....
K.T. Tunstall's joke on Songbook (artist biography program on Sky Arts 1 Mon 9:00pm).
How do you titillate an Ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot.
My wife was sitting on the sofa next to me while I was zapping with the remote
She asked me : What's on the telly ?
I answered : Dust
That's when the arguing started
My wife was pondering what she wanted for our next anniversary.
She said : I want something that goes from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
That's when the arguing started.
Our lawnmower broke down.
My wife kept asking me to repair it, but I was always occupied with something else.
One day, I found her sitting on the grass cutting it with sewing scissors, to make me feel guilty.
So I found an old toothbrush and said to her :
When you've finished cutting the grass, could you sweep the driveway ?
That's when the arguing started.
The other day I asked my wife where she would like to go for our anniversary.
She replied : Someplace I haven't been to in a long time.
I offered to take her into the kitchen.
That's when the arguing started.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the cock again screws all the 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds the cock shagging the ducks & the geese.
Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says "You deserved it, you horny weeShit"!
The cock opens one eye,points up & says "Ssshhh.! They are about to land.!!"
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude to try to figure out where she was when she spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
Amazed by what he said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
I was getting a bit suspicious about the wife so I hired a chap to keep an eye on the house whilst I was at work. I told him to give me a call if he noticed anything unusual. Well, weeks went by and not a dicky bird, but today I got the call. He said "You know that guy who comes round every day to screw your wife? Well he didn't turn up today!"