Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I enjoyed Aaron Copland's 'Fanfare for the common man' played in the Aintree parade ring before last Saturday's Grand National.
Apt, I thought. You don't get much more common than scousers....
K.T. Tunstall's joke on Songbook (artist biography program on Sky Arts 1 Mon 9:00pm).
How do you titillate an Ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot.
My wife was sitting on the sofa next to me while I was zapping with the remote
She asked me : What's on the telly ?
I answered : Dust
That's when the arguing started
My wife was pondering what she wanted for our next anniversary.
She said : I want something that goes from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
That's when the arguing started.
Our lawnmower broke down.
My wife kept asking me to repair it, but I was always occupied with something else.
One day, I found her sitting on the grass cutting it with sewing scissors, to make me feel guilty.
So I found an old toothbrush and said to her :
When you've finished cutting the grass, could you sweep the driveway ?
That's when the arguing started.
The other day I asked my wife where she would like to go for our anniversary.
She replied : Someplace I haven't been to in a long time.
I offered to take her into the kitchen.
That's when the arguing started.
The farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the cock again screws all the 150 hens. Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds the cock shagging the ducks & the geese.
Later, the farmer finds the cock pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says "You deserved it, you horny weeShit"!
The cock opens one eye,points up & says "Ssshhh.! They are about to land.!!"
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude to try to figure out where she was when she spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
Amazed by what he said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
I was getting a bit suspicious about the wife so I hired a chap to keep an eye on the house whilst I was at work. I told him to give me a call if he noticed anything unusual. Well, weeks went by and not a dicky bird, but today I got the call. He said "You know that guy who comes round every day to screw your wife? Well he didn't turn up today!"
After a night of drinking, Brian woke up in the morning next to the ugliest women he had ever seen. Thats when he knew he had got home safely.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
"That's simply not true love", I protested. "I've NEVER said anything nice to you."
I went to a nightclub for bulimics the other day. The place was heaving.
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies ~
Sent me by my Norwegian Aunt, currently in the Bahamas.
ATB from George
Just started a band , they are called 999 Megabytes.
We haven't done a gig yet.
That's about as funny as Meredith's psuedo intellectual attempt at humour.
This topic is "Best Jokes", let's keep it that way.
Ian
That's about as funny as Meredith's psuedo intellectual attempt at humour.
This topic is "Best Jokes", let's keep it that way.
Ian
Well, it made me laugh! Have I somehow done wrong?
Keep 'em coming please Mr Lockhart.