Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906

Posted on: 18 April 2011 by tonym

After a night of drinking, Brian woke up in the morning next to the ugliest women he had ever seen. Thats when he knew he had got home safely.

Posted on: 18 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

SKY NEWS- Norwich Man In Court For Triple Stabbing. Apparently he had a knife in each hand.

Posted on: 19 April 2011 by tonym

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Posted on: 19 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

My wife sobbed, "You don't say anything nice to me any more".

"That's simply not true love", I protested. "I've NEVER said anything nice to you."

Posted on: 19 April 2011 by tonym

I went to a nightclub for bulimics the other day. The place was heaving.

Posted on: 20 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Woke up this morning and decided I needed a more original opening line for my latest blues song.

Posted on: 20 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Some of the filthy whores at work have complained about my attitude towards them.

Posted on: 21 April 2011 by George Fredrik

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, an that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies ~

Sent me by my Norwegian Aunt, currently in the Bahamas.

ATB from George

Posted on: 22 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Dear royal family, I hope you're all excited about Kate and William's wedding on friday. I know i am. Yours sincerely, Osama Bin Laden

Posted on: 25 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

I talk to invisible animals. They're my menagerie friends.

Posted on: 27 April 2011 by BigH47

Just started a band , they are called 999 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet.

Posted on: 29 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Just sent my wedding gift off to the happy couple: Scalectrix, Paris edition.

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by ianmacd

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

Just sent my wedding gift off to the happy couple: Scalectrix, Paris edition.

That's about as funny as Meredith's psuedo intellectual attempt at humour.

This topic is "Best Jokes", let's keep it that way.

Ian

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

I'm sure a few regular posters here will have managed a chuckle. And I leave it to the moderators to remove my jokes. Regularly. Yesterday was a celebration, a celebration of one more person entering that special group. Welcome Pippa Middleton, welcome to my list.

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by tonym

Originally Posted by ianmacd:

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

Just sent my wedding gift off to the happy couple: Scalectrix, Paris edition.

That's about as funny as Meredith's psuedo intellectual attempt at humour.

This topic is "Best Jokes", let's keep it that way.

Ian

Well, it made me laugh! Have I somehow done wrong?

Keep 'em coming please Mr Lockhart.

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by BigH47

I agree Tonym, made me laugh. Keep 'em coming Tony L, I'll self filter.

Too many fragile flowers around here, methinks.

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

I thought that was a nice touch yesterday, letting Princess Anne and Camilla pull the royal carriage.

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

William and Kate must be going to Wales for the honeymoon. I read William's lips when he whispered to Harry that he was going to Bangor all weekend

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

I gave my dad an E. Now he's dead.

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by Conortsun

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

welcome to my list... superb!

Posted on: 30 April 2011 by Tony Lockhart

I just banged my head. Took me ages to get that flexible.

Posted on: 01 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

The ladies call me "Mr Right". It's not because I'm the ideal man or anything. It's because I've had a stroke.

Posted on: 02 May 2011 by Southweststokie

I’m a bit dubious about the disposal of Osama Bin Laden’s body at sea today. Everybody knows there’s never any bin collection on a bank holiday.

Posted on: 02 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

So bin Laden used his wife as a shield. Well, she should've been in the kitchen to be fair.

Posted on: 03 May 2011 by Salmon Dave

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

Dear royal family, I hope you're all excited about Kate and William's wedding on friday. I know i am. Yours sincerely, Osama Bin Laden

Whoops!