Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Scalextric .... 
After consulting video footage the FA have handed Joey Barton a five match ban for the killing of Osama Bin Laden....
If actions speak louder than words.
Why can't I hear mimes?
I think they should have captured Osama Bin Laden alive,then made him go through airport security continuously for the rest of his life.
Happy Star Wars day.
May the 4th be with you.
"Scarlett, do you give a damn?
Don't answer, that was a Rhettorical question."
Some people say I'm crazy because I talk to my food....... My sauces tell me otherwise.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F**k me, talk about Dyson with death.
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic, transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."
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Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some sod's sent me a magnifying glass!
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...... I was petrified.
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
A little old manshuffled slowly into an
ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully,
up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered
a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Tony
I just started a new game on Football Manager with Celtic, but I'm a bit nervous about opening my mail inbox.
"Bartender, i'll have a Bin Laden. ""What's that?" " Two shots and a splash of water."
I'll get me coat....