Best Jokes (continues)

"Scarlett, do you give a damn?

Don't answer, that was a Rhettorical question."

Some people say I'm crazy because I talk to my food....... My sauces tell me otherwise.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F**k me, talk about Dyson with death.

 --------------------------

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic, transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 --------------------------

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen. " Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

--------------------------

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

--------------------------

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

--------------------------

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him. "Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?". "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."

 --------------------------

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*n*s enlarger. Just opened it and some sod's sent me a magnifying glass!

 --------------------------

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
--------------------------

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 --------------------------

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...... I was petrified.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

A little old manshuffled slowly into an

ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully,

up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered

a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

I just started a new game on Football Manager with Celtic, but I'm a bit nervous about opening my mail inbox.

"Bartender, i'll have a Bin Laden. ""What's that?" " Two shots and a splash of water."

I'll get me coat....

Lunchtime. A rabbit goes into an ale house and hops up onto a stool at the bar...

'I'd like two pints of Stella and... a toasted cheese and ham sandwich, please'

The young barman serves him. Greedily the rabbit swiggs the two pints in quick order and rapidly scoffs the sandwich.

'Same again, barkeep' says the rabbit - and again, down in one... 'keep 'em coming barman, I'm on a mission here! Same again!'

The barman watches stunned as the rabbit, without breaking a sweat, swifly gets through sixteen Stella and eight cheese and ham sandwiches in less than ten minutes... 'Crikey, chief, you want to go easy on the old 'wife beater' there' he opines, concerned and more than a little curious.

Unfased the rabbit taps the bar... 'same again'...

'Look, you can have the pints of Stella but you've had the last of my cheese and ham.... I can do you a toasted bean and bacon sarnie, if you like?'

'Fine! Just keep 'em coming!'

No sooner has he downed the drinks and demolished the sandwich than the rabbit is paralytic! Sliding off his stool and begins staggering around the saloon, mumbling and shaking, like a shitting dog.

'I bloody knew it! I bloody knew I shouldn't have kept on racking up the Stellas for a little fella like you! I'm going to get a right bloody bollocking off the bar manager for this!'

'It is-s-sn't ya fault,' slurs the rabbit 'I s-s-should've known better me-e-shelf... it's n-n-not the booze... it's m-m-mixin' ma toasties'...

Ever wondered how hard it would be to play football with £50million in your back pocket? It's easy - just ask Fabricio Coloccini of Newcastle United....

Why? I heard it's a great place to go to take a weight off your shoulders

Planking we have a winner!

Paraprosdokian.

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 

20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

25. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

26. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

27. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Two sausages are frying in a pan...

One sausage turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's really hot in here!". The other sausage jumps up and says, "AHHHH! A talking sausage!"

Just heard on the News that the woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody, the child didn't look surprised . . .

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do
you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
   

   "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
   

   "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit
with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
   

   The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"
   

   The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a
ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with
a hook but I'm fine, really."
   

   "What about that eye patch?"
   

   "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of
birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them $hit in my eye."
   

   "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye
just from bird $hit."
   

   "It was my first day with the hook."