Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906

Posted on: 20 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Woman Weightlifter goes to the doctors and says, 'I've been taking steroids & I've grown a cock'. Doctor asks, 'Anabolic?' She says, 'No, just a cock!'

Posted on: 20 May 2011 by tonym

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

Posted on: 21 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

I went for an Indian last night. I was disgusted. I called the waiter over and said "What the hell is this? There are cat hairs in my dinner." He replied "If you look carefully sir, you'll find the rest of it."

Posted on: 21 May 2011 by BigH47

We have just had a debate and vote on the best vowel.

I won!

thought my wife was happy to fully repair my jeans. Or at least sew its seams . . .

Posted on: 21 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Ryan Gigg's son: "Daddy, what's a super injunction?" "It's a special, magical piece of paper that stops people saying nasty things about daddy in the newspapers." "Wow, I wish I had a piece of paper that could stop people doing things." "Why? What would you use it for?" "I'd use it to stop you shagging around so I didn't have the shit ripped out of me every day at school."

Posted on: 22 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

I went on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United. John Humphreys said "Question one: which Man United player is known as the Welsh Wizard?" I said "I couldn't say." He said "Correct, question two... "

Posted on: 23 May 2011 by rodwsmith

I'm afraid we are not allowed to know why this photo is funny

Posted on: 23 May 2011 by BigH47

Stop press:

Aircraft grounded at Manchester airport due to ash cloud.

Man City apologizes, they said the trophy cabinet had to be opened sometime.

Posted on: 23 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

My ex was a crack whore. She didn't use drugs, she was just a slag with military precision.

Posted on: 23 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

The other night my wife and me had an argument just before bed. She called me childish, and said I have to sleep on the couch. But the joke's on her, because I built a fort out of the cushions on the couch, and I've hung a "Girls Not Allowed" sign up.

Posted on: 24 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Admittedly, I made some mistakes with the invites for my wife's funeral.

Mainly, leaving them where she could find them.

Posted on: 26 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

The crotchless knickers that my wife bought are brilliant, especially when I need a piss in the night.

Posted on: 26 May 2011 by Blueknowz

A Liverpool prostitute has taken out a super injunction to stop people saying that she slept with Wayne Rooney

Posted on: 27 May 2011 by Mike-B

I offered to take a stunning chick for a ride on my new superbike

No way she exclaimed, I would hate to think you where the last man I had between my legs

Posted on: 27 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

A man in the bedroom shouts to his girlfriend "Come into the bedroom and see my clock". She enters the room and he is lying on the bed with a massive erection. She says "Thats not a clock". He replies "It will be, when you put two hands and a face on it!"

Posted on: 28 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

You can't hold it against Ryan Giggs for having sex with Imogen Thomas, because any woman who's name is an anagram of "a smooth minge" is surely worth a punt.

Posted on: 28 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

For sale: small child's grubby fingerprints. As seen on TV.

Posted on: 29 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart

Having just met my blind date in the pub, I brought her a drink and as we sat down, some jive music came on the jukebox. She said "There is something about the jive I find sexy." So to impress her, I waved my arms about doing the hand jive. She moaned that she was getting wet . I said "Am I turning you on?" She said "No, you still have your bloody pint in your hand."

Posted on: 29 May 2011 by Conortsun

Man U plan to unveil their giant '19' banner to their fans today - a celebration of how many times they touched the ball last night....

Posted on: 03 June 2011 by Hook

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Posted on: 04 June 2011 by Derek Wright