Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 24 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Admittedly, I made some mistakes with the invites for my wife's funeral.

Mainly, leaving them where she could find them.
Posted on: 26 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart
The crotchless knickers that my wife bought are brilliant, especially when I need a piss in the night.
Posted on: 26 May 2011 by Blueknowz

A Liverpool prostitute has taken out a super injunction to stop people saying that she slept with Wayne Rooney

Posted on: 27 May 2011 by Mike-B

I offered to take a stunning chick for a ride on my new superbike

No way she exclaimed,  I would hate to think you where the last man I had between my legs

Posted on: 27 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart
A man in the bedroom shouts to his girlfriend "Come into the bedroom and see my clock". She enters the room and he is lying on the bed with a massive erection. She says "Thats not a clock". He replies "It will be, when you put two hands and a face on it!"
Posted on: 28 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart
You can't hold it against Ryan Giggs for having sex with Imogen Thomas, because any woman who's name is an anagram of "a smooth minge" is surely worth a punt.
Posted on: 28 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart
For sale: small child's grubby fingerprints. As seen on TV.
Posted on: 29 May 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Having just met my blind date in the pub, I brought her a drink and as we sat down, some jive music came on the jukebox. She said "There is something about the jive I find sexy." So to impress her, I waved my arms about doing the hand jive. She moaned that she was getting wet . I said "Am I turning you on?" She said "No, you still have your bloody pint in your hand."
Posted on: 29 May 2011 by Conortsun

Man U plan to unveil their giant '19' banner to their fans today - a celebration of how many times they touched the ball last night....

Posted on: 03 June 2011 by Hook

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,   "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?   You look terrible."


 "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."


"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."


The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?"


The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a  sword fight. My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."


"What about that eye patch?"


"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I  looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."  


"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."


"It was my first day with the hook."

Posted on: 04 June 2011 by Derek Wright

See also May 20th at 17:21

Posted on: 04 June 2011 by Hook
Originally Posted by Derek Wright:

See also May 20th at 17:21

 

I can't believe it -- George stole my joke!   

Posted on: 06 June 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I make trigonometry-related puns, cos I'm cool like that.
Posted on: 06 June 2011 by Dungassin

? 'cos they're a sign of the times ?

Posted on: 07 June 2011 by rodwsmith
Originally Posted by Hook:
Originally Posted by Derek Wright:

See also May 20th at 17:21

 

I can't believe it -- George stole my joke!   

I think you'll find (page 17, August 10, 2010 at 8:16 AM) that George stole my joke...

Posted on: 07 June 2011 by BigH47
Originally Posted by Dungassin:

? 'cos they're a sign of the times ?

But you keep going of at a tangent!

Posted on: 08 June 2011 by Jono 13
Originally Posted by BigH47:
Originally Posted by Dungassin:

? 'cos they're a sign of the times ?

But you keep going of at a tangent!

Orange?

 

Jono

 

(think about it)

Posted on: 08 June 2011 by winkyincanada
Originally Posted by Jono 13:
Originally Posted by BigH47:
Originally Posted by Dungassin:

? 'cos they're a sign of the times ?

But you keep going of at a tangent!

Orange?

 

Jono

 

(think about it)

Surely it's "cos they're a sine of the times".....

Posted on: 08 June 2011 by Dungassin
Originally Posted by winkyincanada:
Originally Posted by Jono 13:
Originally Posted by BigH47:
Originally Posted by Dungassin:

? 'cos they're a sign of the times ?

But you keep going of at a tangent!

Orange?

 

Jono

 

(think about it)

Surely it's "cos they're a sine of the times".....

Yeah, but I didn't want to be too "obvious".

Posted on: 09 June 2011 by Gavin B

Now you're just getting obtuse!

 

Gavin

Posted on: 09 June 2011 by rodwsmith

Q.) What is the Incredible Hulk's favourite tube station?

 

A.) Turnham Green

Posted on: 09 June 2011 by Hook

One of the periodic functions of the padded cell forum is to raise awareness of specific subjects, such as trigonometry.

In this case, whether or not a member can contribute intelligently to the thread may depend on how many courses he took in advanced mathematics.

So, sometimes he can and sometime secant.

Posted on: 09 June 2011 by Jono 13
Originally Posted by Dungassin:
Originally Posted by winkyincanada:
Originally Posted by Jono 13:
Originally Posted by BigH47:
Originally Posted by Dungassin:

? 'cos they're a sign of the times ?

But you keep going of at a tangent!

Orange?

 

Jono

 

(think about it)

Surely it's "cos they're a sine of the times".....

Yeah, but I didn't want to be too "obvious".

 

Or going off on a tangerine.

 

Jono

Posted on: 10 June 2011 by Tony Lockhart
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. "How much?" he asks the barman. The barman replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
Posted on: 11 June 2011 by JamieWednesday

From this month's Word mag:

 

While attempting to save a boundary, Horncastle fielder John Hague was knocked out by a stray hang-glider. He recovered to help his side defeat Lincolnshire rivals Bardney by 5 wickets. The headline in the following day's paper read: "Bad flight stops play".