Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
A Max Wall joke quoted by Paul Merton on 'Just a Minute' this week.
"A man comes home and challenges his wife.
'I've just heard that the milkman has slept with every woman in this street bar one.'
She replies.
'Must be that bloody stuck up bitch at number 42.'"
Warning Cocaine is NOT the solution.
Unless you dissolve it in water!
I asked what she said. She said "The 'C' word!"
I looked at her very disapointed and asked "It's not clever is it?"
She said "No, it was c*nt."
A router goes to the doctor, and says "it hurts when IP".
I've just joined a Tourettes help group, it took a while to get sworn in though!
He says " To a lecture about alcohol abuse and its effects on relationships & on the human body."
Copper says, "Really, who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Bloke says, "The fckuing wife."
Do your bit to thwart film piracy by standing up in the cinema every 10 minutes during a film and shouting "BOLLOCKS!"
A tough looking group of Harley riders were riding when they saw a
girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. Strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck soldier on..!