Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
He says " To a lecture about alcohol abuse and its effects on relationships & on the human body."
Copper says, "Really, who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Bloke says, "The fckuing wife."
Do your bit to thwart film piracy by standing up in the cinema every 10 minutes during a film and shouting "BOLLOCKS!"
A tough looking group of Harley riders were riding when they saw a
girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. Strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck soldier on..!
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me ... talking to the wine."
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors .
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you folks still happy you voted for Obama?"
Getting ready for the night!
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
I took what I thought was liquid Viagra last night. It was in fact Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woopsie', and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Well said that man.
I've just come back from my wife's funeral.
She died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
Becks' baby girl Harper Seven was evidently named after Posh's favourite magazine and his favourite number. I've never heard of owt more ridiculous, as I said to my youngest, Razzle 69, at breakfast.