Best Jokes (continues)

Sleep-King works for me.

Just watched a film about a man with a broken leg:   Brilliant cast.

If an electrician argues with his wife, does he tell her a few ohm truths?

steve

Hoop.la

I think you'll find the thread title is "Best.." not "Absolute..."

  John

I once had a girlfriend who was a midget. I was nuts over her.

Would you like to hear the joke about constipation and Alzheimers?

Well, tough shit. I've forgotten it.

Hamish was a painter and decorator. And stereotypically Scottish. He used to thin down his paint to the absolute maximum.

There was a tender out to redecorate the exterior of the local church. Hamish's quote, because of his miserly ways, was by far the most attractive to the Kirk elders, and he got the job.

Up went his rickety old scaffolding, and Hamish began work with his very watery paints.

He was nearly finished when the sky blackened and an enormous thunderstorm set in. A gale blew and the rain lashed down. Hamish had watered his paint so much that the rain simply carried it away, leaving streaks down the walls, a gust of wind blew him to the ground because of his substandard, cheap scaffolding.

He fell, amidst puddles of his watery paint, among the gravestones, and realised it was completely obvious what had happened, so he wailed to god in the sky:

"Oh Lord, I realise I have done wrong, what must I do to make things right?"

A booming voice thundered in reply:

"Repaint, repaint! And thin no more!"

IKEA are to run their own schools, the curriculum will be normal but the day will start with self-assembly . . .

Why does Kate Beckinsale use these two fingers to masturbate?

Because they're mine.

I just read in the Sunday papers about the boy who died after masturbating 42 times in a row it’s sad to see him toss his life away like that . . .

when I was a child I was adopted by a family that drank a lot of Australian beer. They were my foster parents . . .

Tense?  Stressed?  Irregular?

You must be a verb.

To boost my music business I went on Dragon's Den & sang them my ideas but they didn't like my pitch . . .

Is the Tower of Pisa is a listed building?

If the phrase 'I could eat a horse' doesn't adequately describe your hunger, say 'I could eat a five course meal'.  A Horse is four courses . . .

Just went to the pet shop to buy a spider but they wanted £70!

I reckon I can probably get one cheaper off the web.

"It was deep into injury time. I managed to get in the way of a Ferdinand pass and the ball bounced to Giggs. He gave the ball to Nani who crossed it in for Rooney to volley home the winning goal. The emotion took over me, I took my shirt off, ran towards the crowd and dived in to celebrate with the fans, as I crawled back out and put my shirt back on I knew I'd be in trouble, I'd forgotten to blow my whistle"  
 
A sneak preview from Howard Webb's autobiography - "Referee".



Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.



I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's".
These women are certainly more forward these days.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face



Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Thankyou Derry, Mrs and I actually laughed out loud at those.

I thought I'd got over my phobia of German sausages but I'm worried it's coming back. I fear the wurst . . .

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That's me in the korma.