Best Jokes (continues)

My mate said it was ok to have sex with girls after they'd left school.

Seems he didn't mean 3.30pm...

steve

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost

certain to follow."One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth,just to shut her

up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'. 

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd

bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been

doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.

As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive

than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood.

He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!" 

LOL!

Thank you Polarbear.

I just had an out of body experience , I was beside myself!

I'm getting a picture framed this weekend.

I feel a little guilty as the picture is innocent!

Sesame Street says Bert and Ernie aren't gay, tho I find it suspicious that the last episode was brought to you by the letters L, G, B, & T.

(courtesy of a Tweet from Stephen Corbert)

Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell  me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's  lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king,  smo-king and fuc-king.

You forgot King Wan.

Sleep-King works for me.

Just watched a film about a man with a broken leg:   Brilliant cast.

If an electrician argues with his wife, does he tell her a few ohm truths?

steve

Hoop.la

I think you'll find the thread title is "Best.." not "Absolute..."

  John

I once had a girlfriend who was a midget. I was nuts over her.

Would you like to hear the joke about constipation and Alzheimers?

Well, tough shit. I've forgotten it.

Hamish was a painter and decorator. And stereotypically Scottish. He used to thin down his paint to the absolute maximum.

There was a tender out to redecorate the exterior of the local church. Hamish's quote, because of his miserly ways, was by far the most attractive to the Kirk elders, and he got the job.

Up went his rickety old scaffolding, and Hamish began work with his very watery paints.

He was nearly finished when the sky blackened and an enormous thunderstorm set in. A gale blew and the rain lashed down. Hamish had watered his paint so much that the rain simply carried it away, leaving streaks down the walls, a gust of wind blew him to the ground because of his substandard, cheap scaffolding.

He fell, amidst puddles of his watery paint, among the gravestones, and realised it was completely obvious what had happened, so he wailed to god in the sky:

"Oh Lord, I realise I have done wrong, what must I do to make things right?"

A booming voice thundered in reply:

"Repaint, repaint! And thin no more!"

IKEA are to run their own schools, the curriculum will be normal but the day will start with self-assembly . . .

Why does Kate Beckinsale use these two fingers to masturbate?

Because they're mine.

I just read in the Sunday papers about the boy who died after masturbating 42 times in a row it’s sad to see him toss his life away like that . . .

when I was a child I was adopted by a family that drank a lot of Australian beer. They were my foster parents . . .

Tense?  Stressed?  Irregular?

You must be a verb.

To boost my music business I went on Dragon's Den & sang them my ideas but they didn't like my pitch . . .