Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 15 November 2007 by DIL
No question about why australians make love so quickly?
/dl
/dl
Posted on: 17 November 2007 by DIL
No one interested in knowing?
/dl
/dl
Posted on: 17 November 2007 by Chris Kelly
I'm agog David!
Posted on: 17 November 2007 by Officer DBL
Take that bone out of your mouth and speak properly Chris! 
Posted on: 17 November 2007 by DIL
... so they have time to get down the pub to tell their mates.
Posted on: 18 November 2007 by Chris Kelly
Well that was worth the wait!!
Posted on: 20 November 2007 by Richard S
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains
of Switzerland .
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is
that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later,
the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was
askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to
bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"
she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had your wicked way with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next
to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
Regards
Richard S
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains
of Switzerland .
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is
that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later,
the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair.
Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was
askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to
bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"
she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had your wicked way with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next
to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"
Regards
Richard S
Posted on: 20 November 2007 by Chris Kelly
Posted on: 20 November 2007 by Richard S
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have s*x.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. McDonald's? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a
fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have s*x.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. McDonald's? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a
fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
Posted on: 27 November 2007 by BigH47
We know where every untaxed car is located among the millions of car owners in the UK.
But we haven't a clue where thousands of illegal immigrants & terrorists are located.
Maybe Gordon Brown should put the F***ing DVLA in charge of immigration.
But we haven't a clue where thousands of illegal immigrants & terrorists are located.
Maybe Gordon Brown should put the F***ing DVLA in charge of immigration.
Posted on: 27 November 2007 by BigH47
What's the odd one out?
1. A salmon
2. A Lobster
3. A Chinaman that's been run over by a steam roller...
... Answer:
No 1. A salmon, the other two are crustaceans
1. A salmon
2. A Lobster
3. A Chinaman that's been run over by a steam roller...
... Answer:
No 1. A salmon, the other two are crustaceans
Posted on: 27 November 2007 by BigH47
To My Dear Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Posted on: 28 November 2007 by Richard S
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in
the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to put the lawnmower away, she came
out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My
stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail! "
blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in
the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox
and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to put the lawnmower away, she came
out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My
stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail! "
Posted on: 28 November 2007 by Romi
Billy had his own small buisness. One morning he opens his usual post and discovers a cheque payable to him for a significant amount for a large contract he performed some time ago for a large company. " YES,YES bloody YES!" he exclaims, jumping up thrusting his fist in the air as if he scored the winning goal. Yes he deserves this since he has been waitng for this cheque for three months. Three months of frustration, three months of creeping depression,sex did not exist even exist during that time
Posted on: 28 November 2007 by BigH47
?
Posted on: 28 November 2007 by Romi
Joke Continuation.
Its fascinating how his depression instantly lifted and he obtained a very hard erection.He must immediately go home and make love to his wife as a celebration. He shut up shop,got into is car and raced home. With raging lust running in his veins he entered his house and searched all the rooms until he found her sleeping in their master bedroom. Gosh how convenient he thought as a manic chuckle escaped his lips. Impatiently he thrust the cover off, uncermoniously he thrust the nighty up as he undid his trousers freed himself and entered her.This was not making love, more like a long awaited release performed in the most vigorous fashion.
Afterwards he puts his trousers on and walks to the connecting bathroom to relieve himself. He opens the door and to his astonishment sees his wife sitting on the loo. Confused he looks back to the bedroom and back to his wife. The wife has her finger next her mouth exclaiming "sh sh sh be quiet my mums taking a nap on our bed".....!
Its fascinating how his depression instantly lifted and he obtained a very hard erection.He must immediately go home and make love to his wife as a celebration. He shut up shop,got into is car and raced home. With raging lust running in his veins he entered his house and searched all the rooms until he found her sleeping in their master bedroom. Gosh how convenient he thought as a manic chuckle escaped his lips. Impatiently he thrust the cover off, uncermoniously he thrust the nighty up as he undid his trousers freed himself and entered her.This was not making love, more like a long awaited release performed in the most vigorous fashion.
Afterwards he puts his trousers on and walks to the connecting bathroom to relieve himself. He opens the door and to his astonishment sees his wife sitting on the loo. Confused he looks back to the bedroom and back to his wife. The wife has her finger next her mouth exclaiming "sh sh sh be quiet my mums taking a nap on our bed".....!
Posted on: 02 December 2007 by Onthlam
A question:
A married couple who lives in the Ozarks-Moves to California,lives there for 10 years,and then gets a divorce...Are they still legally brother and sister?
A married couple who lives in the Ozarks-Moves to California,lives there for 10 years,and then gets a divorce...Are they still legally brother and sister?
Posted on: 03 December 2007 by Steve O
Tarzan and Jane meet in the jungle for the very first time. Jane is really taken by the rugged, muscular Tarzan and asks him if he has a wife. "No wife" replies Tarzan. So Jane then asks what a virile young man like Tarzan does to satisfy his manly needs. "Easy" answers Tarzan "Me look for deep hole in tree to make love to".
"No need to do that anymore" cries Jane frantically removing her clothes. She lies down and tells Tarzan "I've got something that will make you very happy". Tarzan steps forward and kicks Jane full force between the legs. After 2 minutes of rolling on the floor in floods of tears Jane asks "Why on earth did you do that Tarzan?". "Tarzan check for squirrels" came the reply.
"No need to do that anymore" cries Jane frantically removing her clothes. She lies down and tells Tarzan "I've got something that will make you very happy". Tarzan steps forward and kicks Jane full force between the legs. After 2 minutes of rolling on the floor in floods of tears Jane asks "Why on earth did you do that Tarzan?". "Tarzan check for squirrels" came the reply.
Posted on: 03 December 2007 by steve watts
Excellent!
Posted on: 04 December 2007 by scottyhammer
due to the recent diplomatic problems in sudan caused by a teddy bear named muhammed, SOOTY has no option but to cancell his upcoming tour of jamaica forthwith.
Posted on: 06 December 2007 by Onthlam
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes
Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud
What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers
Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean
What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike
What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A headless whoresman
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned
Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together!"
Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem
What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA
Confucius Says...
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live
What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks!"
What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly
What's the difference between Elvis and JFK Jr.?
Elvis was bloated BEFORE he died
Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before the plane flight?
He figured he would wash up on shore
Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr. to show up?
He was a complete wreck
What do JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
Both go down easily
What's the new Kennedy documentary called?
Three Funerals and A Wedding
Kyle & Stan of South Park:
"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNEDY! YOU BASTARD!"
What did JFK Jr. say when he reached the pearly gates?
I hope I don't have to take an entrance exam
What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?
"Hole is gonna be really big!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
They need a map
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the coin toss?
He elected to receive
What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both look out their windows and see rubble
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force
Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off
What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door
What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them
What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin
What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend
What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin
Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls?
The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice
Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail?
She's going to become a Shaker
What's the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?
No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer
What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a reliable driver
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford
What were Princess Di's last words?
"Is that all this cars got?"
What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?
They both had a hit with the wall
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
Because he's the only queen who gives a ----
What would you call Di if she married Fayed?
Princess Di-ed
Why doesn't Di like the French Press?
They drive her up the wall
When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute
Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"
When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
The day his hand caught on fire
What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote
What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss them
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type
What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball
Why are hurricanes named after women?
They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave
What's the difference between John Denver and the stock market?
People would cry if the stock market crashed
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers
Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
Bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."
What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
"Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
What did the man with five penises say?
"These pants fit like a glove"
What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"
Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube
What's brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did -- in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard
How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He's the one with sesame seed buns
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife did
Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?
He studied all year for the bra exam
What about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
One was a salted
What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
Bozo the clone
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny
Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain's log
Couple's in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight." She says, "You're licking the rug."
What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries
What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring
How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
Yell "Bingo!"
They can't stand criticism
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes
Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud
What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers
Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean
What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian
What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
Klondike
What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
A headless whoresman
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned
Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"
"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together!"
Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem
What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
Someone who likes sheep and goats
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
Everyone has the same DNA
Confucius Says...
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
"Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
"Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
"Man who stand in front of car get tired."
"Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
"War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
"It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
"Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
"Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
"Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
"Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live
What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks!"
What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly
What's the difference between Elvis and JFK Jr.?
Elvis was bloated BEFORE he died
Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before the plane flight?
He figured he would wash up on shore
Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr. to show up?
He was a complete wreck
What do JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
Both go down easily
What's the new Kennedy documentary called?
Three Funerals and A Wedding
Kyle & Stan of South Park:
"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNEDY! YOU BASTARD!"
What did JFK Jr. say when he reached the pearly gates?
I hope I don't have to take an entrance exam
What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?
"Hole is gonna be really big!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
They need a map
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the coin toss?
He elected to receive
What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck
How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both look out their windows and see rubble
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force
Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off
What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador
What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A microwave stops when you open the door
What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
Build a house next to them
What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin
What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend
What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
Pump kin
Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls?
The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice
Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail?
She's going to become a Shaker
What's the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?
No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer
What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a reliable driver
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?
Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford
What were Princess Di's last words?
"Is that all this cars got?"
What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?
They both had a hit with the wall
Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
Because he's the only queen who gives a ----
What would you call Di if she married Fayed?
Princess Di-ed
Why doesn't Di like the French Press?
They drive her up the wall
When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute
Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"
When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
The day his hand caught on fire
What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his ass
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote
What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss them
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type
What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge
What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball
Why are hurricanes named after women?
They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave
What's the difference between John Denver and the stock market?
People would cry if the stock market crashed
Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers
Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
Bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."
What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
"Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
What did the man with five penises say?
"These pants fit like a glove"
What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"
Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube
What's brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did -- in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard
How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He's the one with sesame seed buns
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife did
Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?
He studied all year for the bra exam
What about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
One was a salted
What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
Bozo the clone
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny
Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain's log
Couple's in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight." She says, "You're licking the rug."
What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries
What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring
How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
Yell "Bingo!"
Posted on: 07 December 2007 by tonym
I bought a Teddy Bear the other day for £5, named it Mohammed and sold it today for £10.
Does that mean I've made a prophet?
Does that mean I've made a prophet?
Posted on: 12 December 2007 by Richard S
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
* 1. Schizophrenia--- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4.Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5.Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....
* 6.Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7.Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8.Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9.Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is Franceso far away?
* 10.Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
* 1. Schizophrenia--- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4.Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5.Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....
* 6.Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7.Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8.Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9.Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is Franceso far away?
* 10.Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,
Posted on: 14 December 2007 by JamieWednesday
The SAS, the Para's and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go into the woods and catch a rabbit for supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night Falls!!!!
The SAS go first, they don night vision goggles, drop to the ground, crawl into the woods in formation. There is absolute silence for 5 minutes and then the unmistakeable muffled "phut phut" of their trademark double tap is heard.
The SAS troopers emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly, twice between the eyes.
"Excellent", remarks the instructor.
Next up it’s the Para's turn, they finish their cans of super strength lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the air is filled with the sounds of rifle and machine gun fire, hand grenades, mortars and blood curdling screams and war cries.
Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you did achieve your aim, I suppose. Well done" says the instructor.
Finally in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green, for the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie "Sierra Lima Whiskey Tango Lima Bravo, suspect headed straight for you"…..……etc.
After what seems an eternity, they emerge from the woods with a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing" yells the incredulous instructor, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you to 5 hours ago"
So back they go, minutes pass, minutes turn to hours, night turns to day.
The next morning the instructor and the other teams are awakened by the Police holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye swollen shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss?" yells the by now seriously irate instructor.
The Police team leader nudges the squirrel who squeaks:
"Alright, Alright, I'm a F**king RABBIT"
Night Falls!!!!
The SAS go first, they don night vision goggles, drop to the ground, crawl into the woods in formation. There is absolute silence for 5 minutes and then the unmistakeable muffled "phut phut" of their trademark double tap is heard.
The SAS troopers emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly, twice between the eyes.
"Excellent", remarks the instructor.
Next up it’s the Para's turn, they finish their cans of super strength lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the air is filled with the sounds of rifle and machine gun fire, hand grenades, mortars and blood curdling screams and war cries.
Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you did achieve your aim, I suppose. Well done" says the instructor.
Finally in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green, for the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie "Sierra Lima Whiskey Tango Lima Bravo, suspect headed straight for you"…..……etc.
After what seems an eternity, they emerge from the woods with a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing" yells the incredulous instructor, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you to 5 hours ago"
So back they go, minutes pass, minutes turn to hours, night turns to day.
The next morning the instructor and the other teams are awakened by the Police holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye swollen shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss?" yells the by now seriously irate instructor.
The Police team leader nudges the squirrel who squeaks:
"Alright, Alright, I'm a F**king RABBIT"
Posted on: 14 December 2007 by Bruce Woodhouse