Best Jokes (continues)

Is the Tower of Pisa is a listed building?

If the phrase 'I could eat a horse' doesn't adequately describe your hunger, say 'I could eat a five course meal'.  A Horse is four courses . . .

Just went to the pet shop to buy a spider but they wanted £70!

I reckon I can probably get one cheaper off the web.

"It was deep into injury time. I managed to get in the way of a Ferdinand pass and the ball bounced to Giggs. He gave the ball to Nani who crossed it in for Rooney to volley home the winning goal. The emotion took over me, I took my shirt off, ran towards the crowd and dived in to celebrate with the fans, as I crawled back out and put my shirt back on I knew I'd be in trouble, I'd forgotten to blow my whistle"  
 
A sneak preview from Howard Webb's autobiography - "Referee".



Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.



I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's".
These women are certainly more forward these days.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face



Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

Thankyou Derry, Mrs and I actually laughed out loud at those.

I thought I'd got over my phobia of German sausages but I'm worried it's coming back. I fear the wurst . . .

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That's me in the korma.

Can Manx cats can be cured with retail therapy ??

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more
and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is
probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my f**king fault.

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here" said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

Jono

Links aren't allowed hence ...

Search for "Nigella talks dirty" on youtube

That's hilarious.

I missed my bus this morning.

I should really stop getting so emotionally attached to public transport.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.