Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Tom, bog off. You're boring.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by tonym
Perhaps he'll tell us a funny joke Tony. I'm afraid I didn't get his last one.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Svetty
Originally Posted by TomK:

Tony as usual you're about as funny as a dose of cancer.

FYI, per head of population Scottish football is one of the best supported in Europe, in third place last time I checked. This is far higher than England manages. English Premiership attendances are less than four times Scotland's Premier League, with more than ten times the population.

This is a thread for people with a sense of humour - ? you're in the wrong place....

Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
And Tom is comparing one of the most financially successful leagues with a little one where just to help the teams in the lower half, Rangers and Celtic play them 4 times each season! And if Tom thinks I'm anti-Scottish he might want to check out the Lockhart part of my surname. The welsh, on the other hand...... Tony 
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Redmires

Keep them coming Tony.

 

PS. Just been on the news that Gaddafi has slipped into Jordan.

That woman has no shame ....

 

Posted on: 07 October 2011 by nap-ster
Apparently Rooney's old man had a few quid on a sending off.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Gale 401
Originally Posted by nap-ster:
Apparently Rooney's old man had a few quid on a sending off.


What a wanker.

The papers are going to have so much fun with this tomorrow.and Sunday.

Did the news of the world hack into the reffs radio mic or whistle?

Stu

Posted on: 07 October 2011 by TomK
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Tom, bog off. You're boring.

I'll bog off when you post something funny.

Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
Posted on: 08 October 2011 by Derry

An armed robber walks into a bank, approaches a cashier, and demands that she gives him all the money in her till. She does so.

 

As he turns to leave the robber asks the man next in the queue: "did you see me rob this bank?" The man replies that he did and the robber shoots him dead.

 

The robber then turns to a couple behind and asks the man: "did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replies: "no, but I think my wife did."

Posted on: 08 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
My wife said I need to stop buying pointless things online, so I'm sending her back to Thailand.
Posted on: 09 October 2011 by tonym

Breaking News - Steve Jobs is not dead! Apparently the nurses were holding him the wrong way.

Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I was in the betting shop when my horse came in. I forgot to tie him to a post.
Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Well that's my sex life just gone out of the window. I'm sure going to miss that fly.
Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Gale 401

Had a fart in a lift,It was wrong on somany levels.

Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Paul McCartney is gonna be pissed when he finds out his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last one.
Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Klout10
Originally Posted by TomK:
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Tom, bog off. You're boring.

I'll bog off when you post something funny.


Unfortunately, there hasn't been anything funny in this thread for a loooong time ...

 

Regards,

Michel

Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
That's obviously down to personal tastes, and I'm the first to admit that my taste in humour isn't fir everyone. However, nobody forces anyone to read this thread, anyone can post anything they find funny, and the Padded Cell would be a very quiet place indeed without the occasional joke. And if I was only allowed to post jokes that don't offend anyone but make everyone cry with laughter, well, I doubt I'd bother.
So, Michel, any contributions? 

Tony
Posted on: 10 October 2011 by Ron Brinsdon

Please keep posting Mr Lockhart. Apart from the occasional entry in "The Music Room", this section is the only reason I log in to this site each morning.

 

Ron

 

Posted on: 10 October 2011 by tonym
Originally Posted by Klout10:


Unfortunately, there hasn't been anything funny in this thread for a loooong time ...

 

Regards,

Michel

So, do share funny joke with us! No? Oh well...

 

On with the jokes Mr Lockhart! 

Posted on: 10 October 2011 by Conortsun

 

Greggs the Baker, in partnership with Iceland, are set to introduce frozen Sausage Rolls - presumably aimed at the modern mum.

 

....Perfect for teething.

Posted on: 10 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
As I undid my wife from behind I whispered in her ear "I've got a surprise for you" "Ohh, what is it?" "Here, a new apron. Throw that old one in the bin."
Posted on: 10 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
If sex with three people is a threesome, I now understand why they call me handsome.
Posted on: 11 October 2011 by tonym

 

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes  take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes  was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married; they fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.