Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 04 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I run a Linux based operating system.
That means I get laid as often as I have to reboot my computer.
Posted on: 04 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Amanda Knox's future relationships aren't going to be easy.
Amanda: "Do you want to play a sex game?"
Boyfriend: "Er.....let's just cuddle instead."
Posted on: 04 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Amanda Knox is going to celebrate her acquittal by hosting an Ann Summers party by Michael Barrymore's pool.
What can possibly go wrong?!.
Posted on: 04 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
A German, an Irishman, a Portuguese and a Greek walk into a bar. The German pays.
Posted on: 05 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
The wife walked into the bedroom holding a fireman's outfit last night.
"Let's live out our wildest fantasies!" she said with a wink.
I had a great night. Two hours it took them to put out the blaze before they recovered her charred remains.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
The wife and I went to see a marriage councillor. He asked me if I knew what my wife's favourite flower was. I held her by the hand and looked lovingly in to her eyes, and replied "It's Homepride isn't it?"
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
So, Wayne Rooney's dad was arrested after a betting scam on a Motherwell game.
Police apparently became suspicious after hearing somebody had shown an interest in Scottish football.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by tonym
I was watching a beautiful young Mum breast-feeding her twins on the bus this morning. I was quite engrossed when, suddenly, an old biddy sat opposite chipped in "That's disgusting that is! You should be ashamed doing that sort of thing in public"!
In hindsight, it probably wasn't the right time and place for a w*nk.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by TomK
Tony as usual you're about as funny as a dose of cancer.
FYI, per head of population Scottish football is one of the best supported in Europe, in third place last time I checked. This is far higher than England manages. English Premiership attendances are less than four times Scotland's Premier League, with more than ten times the population.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Guy calls his boss - "Hi boss, can't come into work as I'm sick"
"How sick are you?" asks his boss.
"Well I'm in bed with my mum."
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Tom, bog off. You're boring.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by tonym
Perhaps he'll tell us a funny joke Tony. I'm afraid I didn't get his last one.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Svetty
Originally Posted by TomK:
Tony as usual you're about as funny as a dose of cancer.
FYI, per head of population Scottish football is one of the best supported in Europe, in third place last time I checked. This is far higher than England manages. English Premiership attendances are less than four times Scotland's Premier League, with more than ten times the population.
This is a thread for people with a sense of humour - ? you're in the wrong place....
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
And Tom is comparing one of the most financially successful leagues with a little one where just to help the teams in the lower half, Rangers and Celtic play them 4 times each season!
And if Tom thinks I'm anti-Scottish he might want to check out the Lockhart part of my surname.
The welsh, on the other hand......
Tony
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Redmires
Keep them coming Tony.
PS. Just been on the news that Gaddafi has slipped into Jordan.
That woman has no shame ....
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by nap-ster
Apparently Rooney's old man had a few quid on a sending off.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Gale 401
Originally Posted by nap-ster:
Apparently Rooney's old man had a few quid on a sending off.
What a wanker.
The papers are going to have so much fun with this tomorrow.and Sunday.
Did the news of the world hack into the reffs radio mic or whistle?
Stu
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by TomK
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Tom, bog off. You're boring.
I'll bog off when you post something funny.
Posted on: 07 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
Posted on: 08 October 2011 by Derry
An armed robber walks into a bank, approaches a cashier, and demands that she gives him all the money in her till. She does so.
As he turns to leave the robber asks the man next in the queue: "did you see me rob this bank?" The man replies that he did and the robber shoots him dead.
The robber then turns to a couple behind and asks the man: "did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replies: "no, but I think my wife did."
Posted on: 08 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
My wife said I need to stop buying pointless things online, so I'm sending her back to Thailand.
Posted on: 09 October 2011 by tonym
Breaking News - Steve Jobs is not dead! Apparently the nurses were holding him the wrong way.
Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I was in the betting shop when my horse came in. I forgot to tie him to a post.
Posted on: 09 October 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Well that's my sex life just gone out of the window. I'm sure going to miss that fly.
