Best Jokes (continues)

Had a fart in a lift,It was wrong on somany levels.

Unfortunately, there hasn't been anything funny in this thread for a loooong time ...

Regards,

Michel

Please keep posting Mr Lockhart. Apart from the occasional entry in "The Music Room", this section is the only reason I log in to this site each morning.

Ron

So, do share funny joke with us! No? Oh well...

On with the jokes Mr Lockhart! 

Greggs the Baker, in partnership with Iceland, are set to introduce frozen Sausage Rolls - presumably aimed at the modern mum.

....Perfect for teething.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes  take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes  was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married; they fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
 

Good Work Tony, but just so you aren't the only one posting...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under'.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE ALL HURRICANES NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

Anger management courses are all the rage.

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble...

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

A guy enters a pharmacy and asks for 10 packs of condoms.

"Do you want a plastic bag?" asks the pharmacists.

"No", says the guy. "She is really hot".

I bought the Carlos Tevez Greatest Goals DVD last night.  I put it in the machine, but it wouldn't play.

Apparently, Paul McCartney is already pissed off with his new wife, he’s noticed she’s spending twice as much on shoes as the last one!

Do all teenagers listen to loud music or is that just the stereo type ?

Just had a man on the doorstep quoting "give us this day, our daily bread" at me. Must have been a Jehovis Witnesses . . .