Best Jokes (continues)

A psychiatrist trips on a penis-I MEAN BANANA!!......Freudian Slip

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician is a blond female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed. The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made. She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, 'It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…
'So I just swapped their heads.'

Apparently, Gadaffi met an undignified end stuck halfway inside a damp, dark, smelly pipe - pleading for mercy.... in Libya.

Middle East geography was never my strong suit but it sounds like he could have been in Jordan.

A Man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After
being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he
slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and,
realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

This is not funny anymore...

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Bare necessity is the mother of invention. As demonstrated in modern Baloo-Ray technology.

Just finished an Agatha Christie book that had half the pages missing. Brilliant! I love defective novels...

I know someone with a non-stick face. Honestly, you couldn't make it up!!!

Usually makes me laugh.

steve

Me too.

Sorry, still funny.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"