Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
a girl, feeling unwell, goes to the doctor who after some tests, explains that she is pregnant. Impossible says the girl. After half an hour of explanations and debate the doctor turns and looks out of the window. After some ten minutes of silence the girl asks if the doctor is alright. Yes he replies, 'it's just the last time this happened a star arose in the east and I'm damned if I am going to miss it this time!'
Two days on and I'm still being pestered by the trick-and-treat kids. What is the world coming to? Anyone would think they'd never been locked in a cellar before!
An elephant walks into a piano bar just
as the pianist is playing a particularly
sad song. He sits down by the pianist
and weeps.
The pianist says "I'm sorry, has
this song upset you?"
The elephants answers, "No, but I
recognise that ivory, you prick".
At a cinema near you now: Greece the Movie - Including the hit song “Euro the one that I want . . .”
REMEMBER, if you find a hedgehog in your bonfire, remove it after 10 mins for medium-rare, 15 mins for well-done . . .
Sick one that came through on my phone in the early hours.
Thats Why Moms Go To IceLand.
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
I was having filthy phone sex with my mistress last night.
I said 'Tell me you're not wearing any knickers'
She said 'I'm not'
I said 'Ohh yes baby, what are you doing right now?'
'Having a shit' she replied.
No matter how enraged Germaine Greer is about something, she'll never be as irate as her sister Anne . . .
I met the guy who invented the window sill today at work. What a ledge!!
You find that couples who have been together a long time often finish the sentences of their partner. Like Rosemary West ....
(Stolen from I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue)
There's been an explosion at a pie factory in Wigan. 3.142 people have been killed.
Just Got a Jehovahs Witness Advent Calendar, It's great, every time you open a door some one tells you to F**K OFF !
Blonde on an escalator?