Best Jokes (continues)

Now then, now then pop pickers!

This weeks non-mover is

Jimmy Savile

My pet budgie broke both his legs when he fell off his perch, so I decided to make him some splints out of Swan Vesta matches.
His little face lit up when he started to walk.....

I was driving past a field the other day and saw a scarecrow trying to have a wank. 
I thought 'f*ck me, He's clutching at straws'

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the two decide to go the doctor to find out why. After a number of tests and questions, the doc suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm, and so his friend suggests a swap. 'Il shag her and you waft the towel'. Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says... 'and that my old son is how you waft a f***in towel'

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

Came home from the pub at the weekend and found the wife dead in bed. Thought I'd like to have sex with her one last time just for old times sake.  As I got to the 'vinegar stroke' she opened her eyes and said "BOO". There's some bloody sick people in this world

Laughed out loud at this one!

steve

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?"  God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman".
       
      "Oh yeah", said Eddie. "And how did this one end"?
       
      "When it was over", Harvey replied. "She came crawling to me on her hands and knees".
       
      "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
       
      "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.

I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after . 

Those behaviours often make people laugh though!