Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I reposting from an e-mail, please just take at face value no references to some obscure net checking site, urban myth busting site etc.
May have been posted before also, heaven forbid!
They are supposed to be jokes, that's all you need to decide. OK?
These were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q:
Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A : We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q:
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA
A : Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden
A : Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q:
Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK
A : What did your last slave die of?
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>Q:
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:
Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA
A : Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q:
Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK
A :Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA
A : Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q:
Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK
A : You are a British politician, right?
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Q:
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany
A : No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q:
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA
A : Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA
A : It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA
A : Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France
A : Only at Christmas.
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Q:
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA
A : Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Our cat, Agnes, likes French wine. She has often told me wistfully that she loves to savour the aroma of her boyfriend, Malfi's pee-at-door.
My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.
I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones . . .
We were supposed to be dogging, but Chas and Dave turned up.
The wife said "what are you doing?"
"Looking for cheap flights!" I replied.
When I got downstairs, she'd cooked me my favourite meal and there was a cold beer ready for me.
She snuggled up to me watching the football and we went to bed and had the most amazing time in years.
In the morning I asked her what all that was in aid of.
"You were looking for cheap flights, that's so sweet!" she said.
"Fair enough, but you've never taken any interest in my darts before.."
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me.
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken".
Women are a complete enigma aren’t they? They are paranoid about body hair, wet shave, dry shave endless waxes, lotions and potions to remove it to look beautiful for us men. Yet they keep they keep their most desirable attribute hidden under a bush!
Ethel and Gert meet at the bingo.
Ethel: you're late, did you come on the bus?
Gert: yes but I made it look like an asthma attack.
A teddy bear goes to work on a construction site.
He's getting on well, but one day not long after he starts his pick-axe goes missing, in fact he's quite sure that it's been stolen.
So he goes up to the foreman to explain the situation.
"Ah yes" says the foreman "we should have told you..."
"today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked,"
I went to a foam party at the weekend, I bought two cushions and a giant novelty hand .
Got it figured out. There is no Fatima Whitbread. It's just Melvyn Hayes in drag ...
Husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight"
Wife says, "Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about halfway across the ring, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Tony.