Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether
Laughed out loud at this one!
steve
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman".
"Oh yeah", said Eddie. "And how did this one end"?
"When it was over", Harvey replied. "She came crawling to me on her hands and knees".
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after .
Those behaviours often make people laugh though!
I reposting from an e-mail, please just take at face value no references to some obscure net checking site, urban myth busting site etc.
May have been posted before also, heaven forbid!
They are supposed to be jokes, that's all you need to decide. OK?
These were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________
Q:
Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A : We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA
A : Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden
A : Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK
A : What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>Q:
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA
A : Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q:
Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK
A :Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q:
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA
A : Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK
A : You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany
A : No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA
A : Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA
A : It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me
where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA
A : Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France
A : Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q:
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA
A : Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Our cat, Agnes, likes French wine. She has often told me wistfully that she loves to savour the aroma of her boyfriend, Malfi's pee-at-door.
My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.
I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones . . .
We were supposed to be dogging, but Chas and Dave turned up.
The wife said "what are you doing?"
"Looking for cheap flights!" I replied.
When I got downstairs, she'd cooked me my favourite meal and there was a cold beer ready for me.
She snuggled up to me watching the football and we went to bed and had the most amazing time in years.
In the morning I asked her what all that was in aid of.
"You were looking for cheap flights, that's so sweet!" she said.
"Fair enough, but you've never taken any interest in my darts before.."
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me.
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken".
Women are a complete enigma aren’t they? They are paranoid about body hair, wet shave, dry shave endless waxes, lotions and potions to remove it to look beautiful for us men. Yet they keep they keep their most desirable attribute hidden under a bush!