Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Ethel and Gert meet at the bingo.
Ethel: you're late, did you come on the bus?
Gert: yes but I made it look like an asthma attack.
A teddy bear goes to work on a construction site.
He's getting on well, but one day not long after he starts his pick-axe goes missing, in fact he's quite sure that it's been stolen.
So he goes up to the foreman to explain the situation.
"Ah yes" says the foreman "we should have told you..."
"today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked,"
I went to a foam party at the weekend, I bought two cushions and a giant novelty hand .
Got it figured out. There is no Fatima Whitbread. It's just Melvyn Hayes in drag ...
Husband says to wife "My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight"
Wife says, "Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about halfway across the ring, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Tony.
Took a urine test at the hospital today.
This kleptomania thing is getting out of hand .
SWMBO is a reality TV addict, and I had to sit in the same room as her while we were on holiday in Cromer last week. She had the cheek to complain that the volume on my iPhone/Sennheiser headphones (so I didn't have to listen to the carp as well) was high enough to interfere with her "enjoyment" ....
My local vicar is a right selfish bastard. Its all hymn hymn hymn.
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realizing there was a little Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”.
"Then we all go to the Bahamas."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, slowly walking up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien" he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years!!! That's amazing!!! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a bloody brick wall !!!!!!!!!!"
To find your cool robot name, take the 16 digits of your credit card and add the expiration date and security code.
What’s yours?
A banker, a teacher, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail Reader sit around a plate with 10 biscuits on it.
The banker leans over and scoffs 9 of them.
The Tory MP then whispers to the Daily Mail reader:
"Watch out, that teacher is after your biscuit"!
then a Civil Servant came and smashed the plate on the floor saying it is only tax payers plate there is plenty more to break
then a Civil Servant came and smashed the plate on the floor saying it is only tax payers plate there is plenty more to break
G o s h, h o w f u n n y.
Must have nicked it from Jeremy Clarkson.
steve
Breaking News: A Police station in Huddersfield got broken into this morning and thieves stole all of their Satnavs.
Police are now looking for Leeds .
I'm CDO. It's the same as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but thankfully in alphabetical order.....
Apologies to anyone actually afflicted.
Just bought a Ken doll.
I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.