Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin His reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass", said the barman, "so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro. You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".
The Higgs Boson is holding a press conference at midnight on Dec 24th. He's giving Christmas mass.
Contrived pun for Today:-
We've got an aviary at home.
One of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to sounds of '80s synth pop.
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark .
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.
In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
So when you look at the facts we can only come to one conclusion about Santa... don't let children read this next sentence...Santa is one fcuking incredible bastward!
Ball or aerosol ?
(spoken in a scandanavian accent)
"Neither, I want it for my armpits"
For the younger ones amongst us...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6IBiR9m3vY
Although this is more apt for the forum
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSINO6MKtco
It (dancefloor) can't be big enough and it (grave) can't be filled soon enough...
steve
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. “With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted To go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing here?" asked the captain. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia. “I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me.""He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry."
Who was the leader of the Pedants revolt?
Which Tyler.
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The townspeople discovered they could buy a cow in Scotland
quite cheaply and immediately purchased one. It was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day, and everyone was happy. They
bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the
bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to
mount the cow, it would move away. No matter what approach the
bull tried the cow would move away from him and he was never
able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to
go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening,
and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow,
she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward, if he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If
he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other
side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ... "You are
truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
from Scotland?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Scotland".
How could you even suggest such a thing 
Jan
Sent from my iPod Touch in the downstairs bathroom.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says "Don't you see the sign?
It says, "private property - stay out!"
The golfer says "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there.
May I have it?"
The man says "It's in my yard and so it is my ball now."
The golfer looks at the man and says "I understand."
He then walks back to the golf cart gets a golf ball and walks back
and throws it into the yard.
The man says "What is that for?"
The golfer replies "I consider myself a gentleman and I believe every
prick should have two balls."
So go to your local pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered
friends.
There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than to see a nice pair of
tits around your nutsack, just remember it's a bit early to expect a
swallow.