Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 15 December 2007 by Tony Lockhart
Two snowmen stood in a field.
One says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"
Tony
One says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"
Tony
Posted on: 15 December 2007 by Onthlam
10 Signs You Might Be Trailor Trash
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night
Posted on: 15 December 2007 by Onthlam
Honk if you`ve never seen an uzi fired out the back of a car window.
Posted on: 15 December 2007 by Onthlam
A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"
Posted on: 15 December 2007 by Onthlam
To close it out-
Posted on: 15 December 2007 by Ian G.
quote:Originally posted by Marc Newman:
Honk if you`ve never seen an uzi fired out the back of a car window.
excellent
Posted on: 15 December 2007 by Onthlam
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Posted on: 18 December 2007 by NaimDropper
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge
towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to
strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge
towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to
strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Posted on: 19 December 2007 by Onthlam
Why can't Smokey the bear and his wife have sex?
Every time she gets hot,Smokey beats her with a shovel.
Every time she gets hot,Smokey beats her with a shovel.
Posted on: 19 December 2007 by u5227470736789439
"A metallurgist is a man who can tell a common ore from virgin metal!!"
This was sent to me by a good friend, and as it pertains to a kind devout Catholic friend, recently married and now with a brand new baby, all the funnier in my view.
ATB from George
This was sent to me by a good friend, and as it pertains to a kind devout Catholic friend, recently married and now with a brand new baby, all the funnier in my view.
ATB from George
Posted on: 20 December 2007 by Henners
Joke told by Sir Michael (God)Caine, except what was he doing in Weatherman? on Parky in the presence of Mr B Coloney.
Chick Murray goes to boarding house to find a room
Murray "can I have a room?"
Landlady " you got a good memory for faces"
Murray puzzled "why?"
Landlady "Theres no mirror in the bathroom"
Genius
Chick Murray goes to boarding house to find a room
Murray "can I have a room?"
Landlady " you got a good memory for faces"
Murray puzzled "why?"
Landlady "Theres no mirror in the bathroom"
Genius
Posted on: 20 December 2007 by Richard S
Emo Philips Quotes
------------------
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a séance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skilful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
------------------
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Actually, my CD was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a séance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skilful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Posted on: 20 December 2007 by BigH47
that guy has the same sense of humour as me.Posted on: 20 December 2007 by Ian G.
quote:Originally posted by Henners:
Joke told by Sir Michael (God)Caine, except what was he doing in Weatherman? on Parky in the presence of Mr B Coloney.
Chick Murray goes to boarding house to find a room
Murray "can I have a room?"
Landlady " you got a good memory for faces"
Murray puzzled "why?"
Landlady "Theres no mirror in the bathroom"
Genius
too clever for me
Posted on: 20 December 2007 by Onthlam
How many legs?
Posted on: 20 December 2007 by u5227470736789439
One les than you thought, perhaps, because the back led is missing in this print. Somewhere I have this as well with the missing back leg, and if I can find it will post it!
ATB from George
ATB from George
Posted on: 31 December 2007 by Diccus62
Stolen from John Cooper Clarkes website
“Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...F**k off you red nosed, big shoed c**t”.
“Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...F**k off you red nosed, big shoed c**t”.
Posted on: 10 January 2008 by Richard S
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a "Sniffer dog". "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
"Watch this." He tells Smithy to "Search".
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to "Search" again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s**t all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a "Sniffer dog". "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
"Watch this." He tells Smithy to "Search".
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to "Search" again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s**t all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."
Posted on: 16 January 2008 by JWM
One (or more) for PB...
Q: What did the polar bear cub say to its mother at mealtime?
A: "Aw, no! Not SEALS again!"
Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!
Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
A: "Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside - with a nice chewy center!"
Q: Why shouldn't you take polar bears to the zoo?
A: Because they'd rather go to the movies.
Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
A: The dentist.
Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A: "Sandwiches!"
Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?
A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!
Q: What's another reason polar bears have fur coats?
A: Because they would freeze in Hawaiian shirts!
Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.
Q: What did the polar bear say to the tourist who left the tundra buggy?
A: "Why don't you just have a good scream and get it over with."
Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.
Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!
Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?
A: It just presses the "paws" button.
Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?
A: Insist that it pay cash!
Q: What did the polar bear put on the sign when seals were very scarce?
A: "Tourists Welcome!"
Q: What's white, furry, rides a walrus, and knocks a ball around the ice?
A: A polo bear!
Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?
A: A poker bear!
Q: What's white, furry, likes to dance, and wears short leather pants?
A: A polka bear!
Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?
A: Roller bears!
Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?
A: A bitemare!
Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?
A: A "brrr"-"grrr"!
Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?
A: "I think I'd like a salad!"
Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: "Meals on Wheels!"
Q: What do polar bears have between their teeth?
A: Slow Squallhoots.
Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear?
A: Don't call it anything - just RUN!
Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?
A: Call it anything you want - it can't hear you.
Q: Why are polar bears big and furry?
A: Because if they were small and smooth, they'd be aspirins.
Q: Why do polar bears win so many races?
A: Because they're always in the "pole" position.
Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?
A: When it's in a "grizzly" mood.
Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets?
A: They live on ice!
Q: What's the difference between a polar bear and a mailbox?
A: You don't know? Well, I'm not asking you to post MY letters!
Q: Have you ever seen a man-eating polar bear?
A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!
Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?
A: I'm not sure - but I wouldn't try smelling it!
Q: What's white, furry, and throws balls of ice at igloos?
A: A bowler bear!
Q: What's white, furry, wears sunglasses, and lazes in the sun all summer long?
A: A solar bear!
Q: What is white and goes RRRRG! RRRRG!?
A: A polar bear walking backwards.
Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens?
A: Things get worse!
"So what happens? A seal goes missing - and they throw me in jail because I fit the 'profile' of a suspect! The next thing you know... they'll tell me we all look alike! Hmmph!"
Q: Where do you find polar bears?
A: It depends on where you lost them.
Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh...bare) place!
Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
A: A bear faced lyre!
Q: What did the polar bear say to itself when the hunter was shooting at it?
A: "Hey! He's SHOOTING at me! Do I know this guy? Think! Think!"
Amaruq (while looking at Irniq in the hospital bed): "So there it was... this HUGE polar bear... just laying there... and Irniq says, 'Do you think its dead - or just asleep?'"
Tourist at the hospital: "I heard that bear bells were good to have if you're hiking in polar bear country. The hard part was getting them on that bear!"
Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?
A: It's easy - just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.
Q: How do you put a walrus into a refrigerator?
A: Just open the door, tell the polar bear to get out, stuff the walrus in, and close the door.
Q: There is a big animal meeting in the Arctic. All the animals are supposed to be there but one animal isn't. Which one is missing?
A: The walrus - it's still locked in the refrigerator.
Q: You have to paddle your kayak across water where dangerous polar bears swim. How will you do this without becoming polar bear lunch?
A: Just paddle across - all the polar bears are at the big animal meeting - don't you remember?
An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."
We've just heard of still another result of Global Warming. Pedestrians in Iqaluit are now being pestered by polar bears panhandling for spare ice.
A Polar bear walks into a restaurant in Churchill and says to the waiter, "I'll have a seal steak ..................... and a side order of lemmings." The waiter says...."What's with the big pause?" The bear replies, "I don't know... but my father had them, too!"
A papa polar bear, a mama polar bear, and a baby polar bear got stranded on an ice-floe and drifted out to sea. They decided to tell stories to pass the time. Papa told his favorite story about the time he outwitted a hunter. Mama told a story about the time she tricked a seal into coming for lunch. Then Papa turned to the baby bear. "What's your story, son?" he asked. The baby bear shivered. "My tail's told!" he replied.
Q: What did the polar bear cub say to its mother at mealtime?
A: "Aw, no! Not SEALS again!"
Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!
Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?
A: "Oooo! I LOVE these things! Crunchy on the outside - with a nice chewy center!"
Q: Why shouldn't you take polar bears to the zoo?
A: Because they'd rather go to the movies.
Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
A: The dentist.
Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A: "Sandwiches!"
Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?
A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!
Q: What's another reason polar bears have fur coats?
A: Because they would freeze in Hawaiian shirts!
Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.
Q: What did the polar bear say to the tourist who left the tundra buggy?
A: "Why don't you just have a good scream and get it over with."
Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?
A: Drizzly bears.
Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!
Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?
A: It just presses the "paws" button.
Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?
A: Insist that it pay cash!
Q: What did the polar bear put on the sign when seals were very scarce?
A: "Tourists Welcome!"
Q: What's white, furry, rides a walrus, and knocks a ball around the ice?
A: A polo bear!
Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?
A: A poker bear!
Q: What's white, furry, likes to dance, and wears short leather pants?
A: A polka bear!
Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?
A: Roller bears!
Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?
A: A bitemare!
Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?
A: A "brrr"-"grrr"!
Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?
A: "I think I'd like a salad!"
Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?
A: "Meals on Wheels!"
Q: What do polar bears have between their teeth?
A: Slow Squallhoots.
Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear?
A: Don't call it anything - just RUN!
Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?
A: Call it anything you want - it can't hear you.
Q: Why are polar bears big and furry?
A: Because if they were small and smooth, they'd be aspirins.
Q: Why do polar bears win so many races?
A: Because they're always in the "pole" position.
Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?
A: When it's in a "grizzly" mood.
Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets?
A: They live on ice!
Q: What's the difference between a polar bear and a mailbox?
A: You don't know? Well, I'm not asking you to post MY letters!
Q: Have you ever seen a man-eating polar bear?
A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!
Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?
A: I'm not sure - but I wouldn't try smelling it!
Q: What's white, furry, and throws balls of ice at igloos?
A: A bowler bear!
Q: What's white, furry, wears sunglasses, and lazes in the sun all summer long?
A: A solar bear!
Q: What is white and goes RRRRG! RRRRG!?
A: A polar bear walking backwards.
Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens?
A: Things get worse!
"So what happens? A seal goes missing - and they throw me in jail because I fit the 'profile' of a suspect! The next thing you know... they'll tell me we all look alike! Hmmph!"
Q: Where do you find polar bears?
A: It depends on where you lost them.
Q: Why do polar bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear (uh...bare) place!
Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
A: A bear faced lyre!
Q: What did the polar bear say to itself when the hunter was shooting at it?
A: "Hey! He's SHOOTING at me! Do I know this guy? Think! Think!"
Amaruq (while looking at Irniq in the hospital bed): "So there it was... this HUGE polar bear... just laying there... and Irniq says, 'Do you think its dead - or just asleep?'"
Tourist at the hospital: "I heard that bear bells were good to have if you're hiking in polar bear country. The hard part was getting them on that bear!"
Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?
A: It's easy - just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.
Q: How do you put a walrus into a refrigerator?
A: Just open the door, tell the polar bear to get out, stuff the walrus in, and close the door.
Q: There is a big animal meeting in the Arctic. All the animals are supposed to be there but one animal isn't. Which one is missing?
A: The walrus - it's still locked in the refrigerator.
Q: You have to paddle your kayak across water where dangerous polar bears swim. How will you do this without becoming polar bear lunch?
A: Just paddle across - all the polar bears are at the big animal meeting - don't you remember?
An Arctic explorer came face to face with a polar bear. Afraid of being eaten, he fell to his knees and started praying. When the polar bear knelt down beside him and started praying too, the man shouted, "It's a miracle!" The polar bear opened one eye and said "Don't talk while I'm saying grace."
We've just heard of still another result of Global Warming. Pedestrians in Iqaluit are now being pestered by polar bears panhandling for spare ice.
A Polar bear walks into a restaurant in Churchill and says to the waiter, "I'll have a seal steak ..................... and a side order of lemmings." The waiter says...."What's with the big pause?" The bear replies, "I don't know... but my father had them, too!"
A papa polar bear, a mama polar bear, and a baby polar bear got stranded on an ice-floe and drifted out to sea. They decided to tell stories to pass the time. Papa told his favorite story about the time he outwitted a hunter. Mama told a story about the time she tricked a seal into coming for lunch. Then Papa turned to the baby bear. "What's your story, son?" he asked. The baby bear shivered. "My tail's told!" he replied.
Posted on: 16 January 2008 by Polarbear
Posted on: 16 January 2008 by Hifi40 CN
Told by my New Zealand colleague:
A sheep lost in long grass, and was brought back by Shepherd A.
Shepherd B: " How did you find the sheep in long grass?"
Shepherd A: " Delightful."
A sheep lost in long grass, and was brought back by Shepherd A.
Shepherd B: " How did you find the sheep in long grass?"
Shepherd A: " Delightful."
Posted on: 25 January 2008 by User34
For french forum members:
"My Tailor is Chinese"
"My Tailor is Chinese"
Posted on: 26 January 2008 by BigH47
?
Posted on: 26 January 2008 by tonym
Two snakes were crawling through the jungle. One turned to the other and said "Tell me, are we venomous snakes, or are we constrictors?"
The other snake said "that's a strange question. Why do you ask?"
"Because I've just bitten my lip!"
The other snake said "that's a strange question. Why do you ask?"
"Because I've just bitten my lip!"
Posted on: 29 January 2008 by Romi
This joke is about someones wife who was known to be a dragon when in a mood (certainly not HiFi friendly to say the least). I shall call her Matilda and one of my colleagues created this wonderful joke which describes her in a nut shell!
Satan is sitting in his luxurious office, he is deep in his thoughts when they are interrupted by knocks on the heavy oak doors. 'Enter!'Satan replies. In strides Herr Hitler in his full uniform regelia and comes to abrubt halt, clicking his heels. ' My esteem Master I do not know if you heard about my exploits to create the master race and eliminate the subhumans, espescially the jews, such vermin of parasitical nature...'Satan stands up with his hands open 'oh Adolf, Adolf ofcourse I have heard about you, your reputation marches before you, I have been following your every move such a pity it all ended so soon.' Satan gestures to the empty chair on the right side of him 'come you will sit beside me'. Her Hitler beams and is greatly moved, he gives sharp military bow and then proceeds to sit down.
Sometime later there are further knocks emitting from the oak doors. 'Enter!' Satan barks. In strides Stalin in his full uniform regalia. He bows his head in respect 'My illustrious komrad ruler of the whole universe, you may of heard of me, I am known as the saviour of soviet Russia, I have eliminated a lot of my enemies, most of them conspiritors and yes most of them were Russian but it was necessary procedure...'Stalin stands up claps his hands 'Joseph you canny old dog, you were even known as Uncle Stalin, come sit beside me'Satan gestures to the empty chair on the left side of him. Stalin smiles in appreciation 'it will be my greatest honour Komrad' and proceeds to sit down.
Sometime later enormous thuddings are heard coming from the oak doors. To Satans horror the doors come crushing down. In strides Matilda and walks right up infront of Satan. With the most angriest scowl on her red face she points her finger with straight arm at the Satan and demands 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAIR!'
Satan is sitting in his luxurious office, he is deep in his thoughts when they are interrupted by knocks on the heavy oak doors. 'Enter!'Satan replies. In strides Herr Hitler in his full uniform regelia and comes to abrubt halt, clicking his heels. ' My esteem Master I do not know if you heard about my exploits to create the master race and eliminate the subhumans, espescially the jews, such vermin of parasitical nature...'Satan stands up with his hands open 'oh Adolf, Adolf ofcourse I have heard about you, your reputation marches before you, I have been following your every move such a pity it all ended so soon.' Satan gestures to the empty chair on the right side of him 'come you will sit beside me'. Her Hitler beams and is greatly moved, he gives sharp military bow and then proceeds to sit down.
Sometime later there are further knocks emitting from the oak doors. 'Enter!' Satan barks. In strides Stalin in his full uniform regalia. He bows his head in respect 'My illustrious komrad ruler of the whole universe, you may of heard of me, I am known as the saviour of soviet Russia, I have eliminated a lot of my enemies, most of them conspiritors and yes most of them were Russian but it was necessary procedure...'Stalin stands up claps his hands 'Joseph you canny old dog, you were even known as Uncle Stalin, come sit beside me'Satan gestures to the empty chair on the left side of him. Stalin smiles in appreciation 'it will be my greatest honour Komrad' and proceeds to sit down.
Sometime later enormous thuddings are heard coming from the oak doors. To Satans horror the doors come crushing down. In strides Matilda and walks right up infront of Satan. With the most angriest scowl on her red face she points her finger with straight arm at the Satan and demands 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAIR!'