Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 26 December 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I bought my son a puppy for Xmas, but I've just accidentally killed him with my car as I reversed onto the drive.
Oh well, I'll have to look after the puppy myself now.
Posted on: 27 December 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I don't need a Twitter account....I'm already following you.
Posted on: 28 December 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Are you struggling financially?
Are your credit card bills becoming unmanageable?
Do you dread the phone ringing?
Well it serves you bloody right for getting married.
Posted on: 29 December 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I didn't realise road signs had birthdays too. I've just seen one with a 50 on it, and some flowers tied to its post.
Posted on: 30 December 2011 by Tony Lockhart
A recent study shows that 90% of women don't like men in pink shirts.
Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.
Posted on: 30 December 2011 by Tony Lockhart
I was on the train to Kings Lynn when this schoolgirl approached me, she said "Excuse me, can i have your seat? I'm pregnant". I said "Sure,but if you don't mind me saying,you don't look pregnant". She said, "Well, it's only been about half an hour".
Posted on: 31 December 2011 by Tony Lockhart
Whenever I have an argument with my girlfriend, I always enjoy the make-up sex afterwards.
She wears lipstick, I wear foundation and eyeliner.
Posted on: 31 December 2011 by BigH47
Mars - Bounty - Snickers - Galaxy - Twix - Malteser - Milky Way -
I think my celebrations are in order .
Posted on: 01 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I've just been banned from an online fashion forum.
Apparently my threads weren't cool enough.
Posted on: 02 January 2012 by Richard S
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Posted on: 02 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I bought my girlfriend some new shoes, and a vibrator for Christmas.That way, if she doesn't like the shoes she can, well you know...
Posted on: 02 January 2012 by Fabio 1
...she can enlarge her pretty shoes!Hmmm...I messed something?
Posted on: 03 January 2012 by Fred Mulder
...she can commence an abstinence till next Christmas, with out a loss for herself? 
...she can return an inappropriate favor?? 
Either way, I hope you're al right Tony 
cheers, Fred
Posted on: 03 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Weather: Strong winds batter England.
Alternative news: Scotland batters strong winds.
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by Mike-B
A refuse truck is driving slowly along a street emptying the neighbourhood wheelie bins. One of the men calls on a house & finds the bin hasn't been left out & in the spirit of Christmas he goes up to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious guy he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinaman comes answers the door.
"Harro!"
"Where's ya bin?"
"I bin on toiret,"
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your bin?"
"I been to toiret, I toll you!''
"Listen, you're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"
"OK, OK"
And with a sheepish grin, whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Rachel Riley on Celeb Mastermind this evening.
No jokes about it, but that's my mind completely distracted for the week.
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Bet a female friend that she can't touch her bellybutton with both elbows.
Enjoy the view.
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by Paper Plane
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Rachel Riley on Celeb Mastermind this evening. No jokes about it, but that's my mind completely distracted for the week.
Who?
steve
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by BigH47
I had to Google too, US X Celebrity or UK show hostess?
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
UK show hostess. Has a lovely bod.
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
This is Rachel, on Countdown:
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by TWP
lets herself down as a Man u fan but everyone has there faults
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Their.
Posted on: 04 January 2012 by BigH47
Agreed nice bod.
Wishful thinking on the Countdown board?
Posted on: 05 January 2012 by Gale 401
A prem football player,
Jason 100% Bent.
was asked after getting sent off?
Will you be upset about missing the cup match?
He said.
I wont miss it.
i have got SKY HD.
