Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 21 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
What's the difference between a BB gun and a revolver?
My son cried when I shot him with a BB gun.
Posted on: 21 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
A bloke from Barnsley with piles asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Posted on: 22 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I was so hacked off after arguing with my wife last night that when she went to bed, I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened every jar and bottle in the cupboard.
Posted on: 22 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I used to think I had ADD, but it turned out everyone around me was just really bloody boring.
Posted on: 22 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 22 January 2012 by TomK
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I used to think I had ADD, but it turned out everyone around me was just really bloody boring.
Every now and again a gem. Is it worth the constant stream of shite? Not sure but I laughed out loud at this one.
Posted on: 22 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I just hope that no ADD sufferers or really boring people report me for it.
Tony
Posted on: 23 January 2012 by Purity of Essence
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I just hope that no ADD sufferers or really boring people report me for it.
Tony
You're becoming quite tedious with your apologies - just don't be so relentlessly 'naughty'.
Posted on: 23 January 2012 by Redmires
An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need
arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found
locally, so, the call went out to all of the UK. Finally a Scot was located
who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the
Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for
giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & a million pounds.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective
surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to
donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman
a thank-you card & a box of chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his
kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I
thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW,
diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of
chocolates". To this the Arab replied:
"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".
Posted on: 23 January 2012 by Redmires
The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Sir Winston Churchill.
After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.
“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second their service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.
Posted on: 23 January 2012 by GraemeH
Originally Posted by Redmires:
The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Sir Winston Churchill.
After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.
“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second their service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.
Thinking about that poor 5 year old drowned in her lifejacket is challenging my normal objectivity here. As with all good comedy, it's in the timing. I can't help feeling the timing is a bit off here. G
Posted on: 23 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Purity of Essence (?)
How many apologies does it need to become tedious? Only two?
Posted on: 23 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
A Norwich player was seriously concussed on Saturday after a nasty clash of heads. No other player was involved.
Posted on: 23 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
New Years Resolution: stop leaving things so late...
Posted on: 24 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My friend told me he threw a stick 5 miles and his dog got it and brought it back. That seems a bit far fetched.
Posted on: 24 January 2012 by George Fredrik
A man brings his wife and two children to a bowling alley.
His says to his wife,
"Well it's quiet in here; you could here a pin drop."
Sorry, but when I heard it, I thought it was so bad it was actually quite good!
ATB from George
Posted on: 25 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 25 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news". "Well," says the bloke "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?" The Sarge says "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
Posted on: 25 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
The traditional Haggis recipe is quite simple.
1) Turn a sheep inside out.
2) Cook.
Posted on: 26 January 2012 by Purity of Essence
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Purity of Essence (?) How many apologies does it need to become tedious? Only two?
In your case one was enough. The sincerity helped.
Posted on: 26 January 2012 by Tony Lockhart
"My wife's flying to Illinois today."
"Chicago?"
"No, she's a passenger."
Posted on: 26 January 2012 by George Fredrik
"My wife is going to Jamaica."
"Did you you make her?"
"No she wanted to of her own accord."
Script from the "Colditz story" - a film.
Not bad for wooden 1950s humour though ...
ATB from George
Posted on: 27 January 2012 by Richard S
Posted on: 27 January 2012 by Purity of Essence
Originally Posted by George Fredrik:
"My wife is going to Jamaica."
"Did you you make her?"
"No she wanted to of her own accord."
Script from the "Colditz story" - a film.
Not bad for wooden 1950s humour though ...
ATB from George
And the, somewhat funnier, classic:
"My wife's just gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord."
Your version seems terribly post modern.
Posted on: 27 January 2012 by GraemeH
Originally Posted by Purity of Essence:
Originally Posted by George Fredrik:
"My wife is going to Jamaica."
"Did you you make her?"
"No she wanted to of her own accord."
Script from the "Colditz story" - a film.
Not bad for wooden 1950s humour though ...
ATB from George
And the, somewhat funnier, classic:
"My wife's just gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord."
Your version seems terribly post modern.
I resisted the temptation myself. G
