Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 05 February 2012 by tonym
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy and snowy conditions should take:
Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
24 hours supply of food and drink
De-Icer
5Kgs of Rock Salt
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares and Reflective Triangles
Tow rope
5 gallon petrol Jerrycan
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads
I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning.
Posted on: 05 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Not long, and I'll be expecting a Valentine's Day card from Moonpig.
She hates me calling her that.
Posted on: 05 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Posted on: 05 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I have created a repulsive half man, half marine mammal that has disturbed me to the very core.
Oh, the humanatee!
Posted on: 05 February 2012 by BigH47
See Man U have signed Howard Webb for an undisclosed fee.
Posted on: 05 February 2012 by Gale 401
The USA Are the world champions again.
They won the Super Bowl.
Playing them selfs 
Posted on: 08 February 2012 by tonym
A man telephoned his local model shop and asked "do you have a model of an Italian cruise liner please?"
The shopkeeper replied "one moment sir, let me just check for you"
A few seconds later the shopkeeper said "yes sir, I have just one left"
Excellent! said the man. "Would you mind putting it on one side for me please?"
Posted on: 08 February 2012 by digger628
I woke early one morning
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun
It seemed his very trilling
Brought up the morning sun
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly from my bed
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his ****ing head
I'm not a morning person.
Posted on: 09 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for...... Velcro gloves!
Posted on: 09 February 2012 by Richard S
"Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes".
An award winning gag for Tim Vine.
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by Salmon Dave
Originally Posted by Richard S:
"Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes".
An award winning gag for Tim Vine.
Oh dear. Award no doubt presented by brother Jeremy.
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform he finally decided.....
...... If she cant hold down a bloody job she's not the girl for him!
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by tonym
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
With Valentines Day round the corner, I need to get something fitting for the wife.
Like a tent.
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by Mike-B
A guy was walking around the supermarket when a woman waves at him & shouts "Hello!"
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
'Hi, but do you know me?'
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' she replies.
Shit, don’t panic, think, was it one of those wild nights in my bachelor days, then – oh no - his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I tried to make love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your gay partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks amused and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Fat people have it easy.
I pay the same price for a pair of jeans as my wife, and she gets three times as much denim.
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Armed police are involved in a stand-off with a man who was acting suspiciously in a Glasgow restaurant.
He'd ordered a salad.
Posted on: 10 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Armed police are involved in a stand-off with a man who was acting suspiciously in a Glasgow restaurant.
He was Sober.
Posted on: 11 February 2012 by Reginald Halliday
I once bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav. It was rubbish. Kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart.
Posted on: 12 February 2012 by BigH47
Valentines day is cancelled. 14-02-12 = 0
Posted on: 12 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around its nose?
A border collie.
Posted on: 12 February 2012 by GraemeH
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around its nose? A border collie.
That took longer than expected! G
Posted on: 12 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
It's as close to the edge as I'm going with this topic. I don't want any other forumites defecting because of me.
Tony
Posted on: 12 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Posted on: 13 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Sepp Blatter: "Rasicm should be settled with a hand shake" - people want to lynch him for being out of touch.
Suarez doesn't shake Evra's hand - he is a disgrace and should be kicked out of the country!
